( That's pretty much exactly what Steve said, actually, but he decides to keep that to himself for the time being as he swallows a mouthful of his beer. He's learning that he actually kind of likes the taste: it had seemed weird in the beginning, just like fizzy, savory water, but what with his hyper-sensitivity he's beginning to understand how the flavours all blend into—
Okay, Peter. It's just a beer. )
I guess I'm just not used to talking about stuff? Everything's always had to be a secret, so. I've always been by myself. The only person I could've talked to was Mr. Stark, and he didn't really ...
( He cuts himself off. Their relationship is good now — really good — and he doesn't want to come across as ungrateful or resentful in any way. )
He wasn't available after Berlin. Not until kind of recently, actually.
( And yes, being coaxed into a superhero civil war and then promptly brushed off did a number on him. Yes, they've both been working hard to repair that. )
( Peter sips at his beer again, buying himself a few more seconds of time as he mulls over what Bucky just said. Peter's introduction to the guy hadn't been great — the Winter Soldier, the stuff with Steve, that had all been an intensely wild ride — but now that he's getting to know him personally? Peter can see that Bucky is ...
Wise. Patient. He's never once made Peter feel judged, no matter what he's done or said around him. )
I dunno what I'd do by myself for two years.
( He glances over at him with a slightly knit brow, concern sitting warm behind his eyes even though Bucky's talking about the past. It's not unusual with this one: Peter feels deeply, and he always wants to be able to do something to help. )
... But it's lonely sometimes, yeah. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me I made the right call, or that it's all gonna be okay, or even just— I dunno, even to just laugh at me when I mess up a landing.
( He swirls the contents of his bottle, pensive. )
Sometimes trying to be two different people makes me feel a bit crazy.
( Luckily, Bucky's one of the few people with whom he can be Spider-Man as well as Peter Parker. )
I spent a lot of time reading about everything I'd missed and trying to remember who I was. Maybe a little low-key long distance stalking, too.
[ There's humor to his words, but it's not really a joke. He spent a lot of time trying to figure out who Bucky had been and whether he could really be that man. As the memories had started to come back in bits and pieces, he'd journaled and read about Steve, even watched him fight robots on the news. It had been lonely. He couldn't do it again now that he's got people in his life again. ]
But you know you're not two different people, right? Spider-man's a mask, same as Captain America. You're not a different guy when you take it off.
And I know we're a bunch of old men, you've got me and Steve and Tony. Well, Steve might not laugh at you, but I will.
( That's ... could be worth worth thinking about. So far Peter's been trying to compartmentalise by keeping Spider-Man as separate from Peter Parker as possible, but it might be time for him to try a slightly different approach. Juggling the two is hard, especially when the lines between Spider-Man and Peter end up blurring, and more than anything? It's tiring. Maybe uniting the two would help him figure out who it is he wants to be. )
You're not that old.
( Is all he says, the beginnings of a grin pricking at his lips. )
I mean, you are, but. You're also not? I don't see you guys like that, anyway.
( Peter shrugs. He appreciates Bucky's humour, and appreciates knowing he'll be around to poke fun at him if he needs it. Have a friendly elbow dig: )
Good. Can't have everyone being too nice to me, right?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
... I know.
( That's pretty much exactly what Steve said, actually, but he decides to keep that to himself for the time being as he swallows a mouthful of his beer. He's learning that he actually kind of likes the taste: it had seemed weird in the beginning, just like fizzy, savory water, but what with his hyper-sensitivity he's beginning to understand how the flavours all blend into—
Okay, Peter. It's just a beer. )
I guess I'm just not used to talking about stuff? Everything's always had to be a secret, so. I've always been by myself. The only person I could've talked to was Mr. Stark, and he didn't really ...
( He cuts himself off. Their relationship is good now — really good — and he doesn't want to come across as ungrateful or resentful in any way. )
He wasn't available after Berlin. Not until kind of recently, actually.
( And yes, being coaxed into a superhero civil war and then promptly brushed off did a number on him. Yes, they've both been working hard to repair that. )
no subject
After I got away from HYDRA, I was on the run by myself for almost two years before Steve caught up with me. It was lonely.
[ So he gets it. Dealing with a lot by yourself is hard. He doesn't want to leave anyone to something like that. ]
You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, though. Sometimes you just need to sit with someone. That's okay, too.
no subject
( Peter sips at his beer again, buying himself a few more seconds of time as he mulls over what Bucky just said. Peter's introduction to the guy hadn't been great — the Winter Soldier, the stuff with Steve, that had all been an intensely wild ride — but now that he's getting to know him personally? Peter can see that Bucky is ...
Wise. Patient. He's never once made Peter feel judged, no matter what he's done or said around him. )
I dunno what I'd do by myself for two years.
( He glances over at him with a slightly knit brow, concern sitting warm behind his eyes even though Bucky's talking about the past. It's not unusual with this one: Peter feels deeply, and he always wants to be able to do something to help. )
... But it's lonely sometimes, yeah. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me I made the right call, or that it's all gonna be okay, or even just— I dunno, even to just laugh at me when I mess up a landing.
( He swirls the contents of his bottle, pensive. )
Sometimes trying to be two different people makes me feel a bit crazy.
( Luckily, Bucky's one of the few people with whom he can be Spider-Man as well as Peter Parker. )
no subject
[ There's humor to his words, but it's not really a joke. He spent a lot of time trying to figure out who Bucky had been and whether he could really be that man. As the memories had started to come back in bits and pieces, he'd journaled and read about Steve, even watched him fight robots on the news. It had been lonely. He couldn't do it again now that he's got people in his life again. ]
But you know you're not two different people, right? Spider-man's a mask, same as Captain America. You're not a different guy when you take it off.
And I know we're a bunch of old men, you've got me and Steve and Tony. Well, Steve might not laugh at you, but I will.
no subject
( That's ... could be worth worth thinking about. So far Peter's been trying to compartmentalise by keeping Spider-Man as separate from Peter Parker as possible, but it might be time for him to try a slightly different approach. Juggling the two is hard, especially when the lines between Spider-Man and Peter end up blurring, and more than anything? It's tiring. Maybe uniting the two would help him figure out who it is he wants to be. )
You're not that old.
( Is all he says, the beginnings of a grin pricking at his lips. )
I mean, you are, but. You're also not? I don't see you guys like that, anyway.
( Peter shrugs. He appreciates Bucky's humour, and appreciates knowing he'll be around to poke fun at him if he needs it. Have a friendly elbow dig: )
Good. Can't have everyone being too nice to me, right?