[ Realistically, Bucky means he trusts Brock with snacks. If he's honest, he doesn't really trust anyone other than Steve and Peggy and maybe River all that much, but Brock at least seems to understand some things that most people don't. ]
[Rumlow wasn't about to look that gift horse in the mouth, so he carried on, found himself a place to freshen up and went to the market with his limited funds. He did odd jobs where he could and was getting more with the relief effort, but this was an interesting situation to be in with the Winter Soldier actually... wanting to spend time with him. It was mind blowing if he was being honest with himself.
He grabbed some snacks, keeping himself to dried fruit such as this place's equivalent of apples, bananas, pears and something that might be a strawberry? He also grabbed a little trail mix, something that would keep him going on his own as he moved around.
Once he had reasonable supplies and his clothing had dried, he headed up to the satellite to find a room, texting the number to the Winter Soldier but settling in. He figured the guy would come whenever, and he would catch kip to two on a real bed for once. Whatever, the door was open, so just come in.]
[ Bucky washes the plaster dust from his hair and digs out some clean clothes. Everything he has is casual and soft. Without having to worry about any sort of dress code, he's opted for comfort on every purchase he's managed to afford. Still, he's wearing long sleeves. Even if the metal hand is visible, it's a lot less obvious than the whole arm being out.
He finds something that passes for a potato chip and makes a few sandwiches and packs them into a small bag with the cards. The nice thing about living with Steve and Peggy is that he really hasn't had to worry about money and what little he's made, he's been able to spend on himself.
When he finds the door, he knocks and pushes the door open. ]
[He was used to sleeping where he could, when he could. It was one of the first tricks that he learned after running away from home, and it served him well throughout his life. He was also a light sleeper because of it, so the knock on the door woke him easily.
Rumlow opened his eyes and turned his head in time to see the Winter Soldier push into the room, and he could recall a time when such a scene would draw him immediately to his feet in anticipation of pushing the world forever forward to that necessary forced peace. This time, he wiggled on the bed and then sat up slowly, stretching his arms and rolling his shoulders a moment later.]
Fancy meeting you in a place like this. Come on in, place is ours for some hours.
[He rose to his feet, and he gestured to the table that he had set up his own snacks and had a big bottle of water.]
[ Bucky smiles as he goes to add his own snacks to the table. It's a lot easier to find his way around the ship when the doors aren't dumping him in the wrong place half the time. ]
I hope you weren't waiting too long.
[ Since he apparently felt the need to nap while he was waiting for Bucky.
He pulls out the deck of cards and puts that on the table, too. They're worn in and instead of a box, they're held together by a hair tie, but Bucky made sure the deck wasn't missing anything. ]
[He moved after Barnes with his usual swagger, no longer hidden in winter clothing where they had first met in person on this planet. He noted the cards and seated himself again, folding his hands behind his head.]
Not that long, just enough to catch a few winks. Gotta get it where and when we can, right?
[He nodded his chin towards the cards.]
Those look well used. If you put the hair tie on, I'll consider it another piece of clothing I have to win off of you.
[ Bucky's movements are less stiff today. Maybe without the gun and he need to watch his back, he's a little more relaxed.
He sits across from Brock and pulls the hair tie off of the cards, pushing the deck across the table. Then he starts to pull his hair back into a loose ponytail with a cheesy grin. He's already got several layers on and he doesn't care if that's cheating. ]
You can try.
[ When he's done, a few strands fall loose, but most of it stays where it is. ]
Been a while, but I think I used to be good at this.
[The difference in movement was obvious to him, though a little less predatory than he was used to. The relaxed stance was something he had seen, what with the Soldier always confident and loose while on mission. There was no denying the guy could wreck pretty much any situation, but this wasn't bad. He could see that he had made an oddly positive impact the last time that they had met.
He grinned though, easy and relaxed himself as he pulled the deck over to himself and began to shuffle them together. He subtly watched the cards, but he was more getting the feel of them as he shuffled. How easy they were to slid and move around to give him an advantage. He was curious how good Barnes' perception skills were.]
Oh yeah? You seem like you'd have a good poker face. [He paused and considered.] Or maybe you're one of those guys that's always smiling and that throws everyone for a loop.
[He was still shuffling, taking his time with the cards, using his fingers to arrange the deck to his liking as he moved through it.]
I see you've put on a few extra layers. Expecting a rough start?
[ In any case, he doesn't mind being called on it. He used to sweep the floor at poker and he thinks his poker face is probably better now than it used to be.
Spinning a web of lies isn't exactly his thing, even if he's not as bad at it as Steve is. He's a lot better reading a man in a fight than a conversation, so he's going to try to make sure they don't talk too much about Bucky. He doesn't want Brock finding all the holes in his story, so he'll let Brock think he's older and more experienced than Bucky is, just like he'll let Brock thing he served in a very different army than the one he did.
There's something weird about having to pretend he's so much younger than he is, because he knows how young he looks and he's not sure how much of that is what Zola did to him and how much is that he'd been intermittently frozen. Steve looks even younger and he wonders if they can't pass for 30 to strangers, even if he knows they both feel old. Sometimes he feels like he's 80, even if he knows that adding up all the years he's been awake can't amount to a number higher than 45 and that's giving credit to years where he wasn't cognizant or in control. Hell, he doesn't even remember all of it.
He leans his elbows on the table and the corner of his lip twitches. ]
If you're so good, you shouldn't have a problem, anyway.
Do you need me to turn up the heat? We wouldn't want you turning into an ice cube.
[In any other situation, towards any other person, Rumlow would have thought the comment all too easy. However, Barnes clearly wasn't aware of their history, of the fact that he knew for a fact that the Winter Soldier was frozen nearly solid for many years at a time and this guy even survived like that. He had always wondered if the guy was cold all the time, or if the thawing process removed any of the hypothermia sensation which seemed to plague other people.
And Rumlow might have been as careful about not digging too deeply where he knew there would be holes. He knew how to side-step those topics of conversation because there was far greater value in having an actual relationship with the Soldier than taking his time to systematically force the realization that they came from the same world, his childhood inspiration had once been right out of Captain America comics, and he was a high-ranking member of HYDRA who had taken a personal hand in not doing anything to oppose how the Soldier was treated despite how uncomfortable it actually made him.
His grin still widened as he shuffled the deck and then set it down in front of Barnes. The best part of this session was that they both likely had amazing poker faces, and it would be difficult to get a read on one another. It was an interesting challenge. The problem was that Rumlow would cheat his way through this all the same.]
Cut the deck, will you? Then we'll get started, and we'll see how good you really are with that charming poker face.
[ Bucky cuts the deck and re-stacks it neatly with his left hand, metal fingers moving as deftly as his flesh ones might. ]
If you manage to get enough of my clothes off, we can talk about the heat.
[ There's a little smirk on his face as he pushes the cards back across the table and leans forward. He's sure Brock can't know how close his jokes hit to home. How could anyone? It's a good thing Bucky really does have a decent poker face, because it's just as useful for self preservation as it is for cards. He's not exactly stone-faced, but he's good at holding in a reaction. It's something.
Instead, he just leans into that comment about his face being charming with a smarmy little smile. ]
I'll have you down to your skivvies in no time. There were many boring night times where all we did was poker, so I'm good at this.
[It was better to play himself up as being good and lucky now so when he began a systematic win streak to earn himself at least view of that metal arm in full then he could claim it on experience rather than cheating. He had no doubt that the Soldier had a keen eye, so he was hoping his sleight of hand was as good as it always had been.
And already he could see how good Barnes was as keeping those emotions in check. He knew someday that the Soldier would look back on this conversation and several of his other 'near miss' comments after he was found out and understand why he had made the zingers to begin with. No point bursting that bubble, but he had to hand it to the guy... as skilled as ever.
He was smirking as he shuffled once more and then set the deck in an even favour, passing out the cards even if he knew the cards he was getting.]
We won't need heat, though. I'm hot enough to keep this place warm. [Said with a smirk of his own.]
[ Bucky manages about three seconds of a straight face as he picks up his cards before he starts laughing, eyes shining as he looks up at Rumlow. ]
If you lay it on any thicker, I'm going to think you really are trying to sleep with me, pal.
[ He's really not used to being on the receiving end of that, either, even if it is a joke. Back when he'd been younger, he'd more often than not been the pursuer and when he hadn't been, the women hadn't been quite that aggressive. He can't say he's ever noticed a man hitting on him before, but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened. The 30s and 40s hadn't exactly been a time of open acceptance. ]
[Rumlow snorted a laugh and shuffled through his cards, even if he already knew what they were. Barnes was a handsome guy, and he didn't limit himself by gender and shit, even if it might get him in trouble here and there. As funny as it was, he already mentally had crossed Barnes off the list.
HYDRA valued consent about as much as a rapist and there was a running dark joke about consent coming down to: no means yes and yes means more. Even if someone was resistant, if the skill set matched, they would just make it happen one way or another. Deserters were not tolerated and made examples of in the most brutal of ways. Pierce in particular had established an order where recruiting troubled people young made for less violent needs of brainwashing.
And Barnes was the epitome of consent denial. While he understood how great of sacrifices were required and never felt bad about the ways that HYDRA took people, there had always been something wrong at the end when working with the Winter Soldier. It was like the guy had been hollowed out and the methods of control had not had to be employed often because the brainwashing was so thick, but... the wiping had made him question what he was doing, why he was doing it and if it was the right thing. It had been the first time in a very long time, and that was a reality that had made him distinctly uncomfortable... and more violent in the end.
So maybe his silence was too long, his smirk a little too plastered, and he knew that could be read two different ways for the most part. He finally added a shrug and arranged his cards in his hands.]
Man like you can have pick of the litter, so go find yourself a nice girl - or boy, I don't judge. There are plenty of people with life experience that will tickle you, champ. [And he grinned in a charming way.] I'll be here if you want the asspats though. I have zero shame, but I'm bad for people.
[He tossed two cards down and drew two more, waiting for the Soldier to choose cards. It was one thing to pretend friendship with the Winter Soldier; it was another to ever consider anything else. It was all going to end in flames anyway; it was just a matter of time.]
[ That really catches Bucky off-guard. The idea that someone could be bad for other people. The truth is that it's a thought he's had about himself quite a lot and not just in the romantic sense. Look at what he did to Steve's life! From what Brock's said, it sounds like at least Brock is trying to do some good. Helping soldiers transition back to civilian life isn't a small task, even when they haven't been through what Bucky has. He can't imagine Brock could bring down the sort of shitstorm Bucky had had chasing him--governments and HYDRA splinter cells alike chasing after him and some genuine crimes that he couldn't deny he'd done, even if he hadn't chosen to do them. ]
Nah. Not in the cards for me anymore.
[ He placed down three of his own cards. What a shitty hand. ]
Kinda past that part of my life, but I'll take the compliments.
[ He doesn't bother to correct that he likes women. He's not so sure if he even likes sex anymore. There's something way too open and vulnerable about it that makes Bucky want to run away screaming from the mere concept. It would probably mirror how anyone else with half a lick of sense would run away screaming after they saw that much of Bucky. Sure, he still has a sex drive, but he'll take his hand over someone else's for the time being. ]
[Rumlow was bad for people, and it wasn't just because he had been told that when he was a kid either. He had learned that he was over the years, had seen first hand how associating with him was like dancing with a tornado: people either were pulled into his wake or he tossed them aside to be broken as he moved along for his goals. His team had been excellent, but it had taken quite some time to find a core group like STRIKE alpha.
And over and over since he had arrived here, his associations had made him to reviled member of people from their world. He was practically ostracized by now. Hell, the only reason Barnes was even in the same room with him was because the poor asshole had no idea who he was.]
Oh, you joining the priesthood and swearing off deep meaningful sexual relationships? 'Cause I'd hate to break your bubble and point out all the sexual predation in the religious life.
[He leaned back a little, how own hand marginally good because he needed to start slow, work his way up to the finer defeats. He still he could beat Barnes even with this hand, but it would be a close thing he figured. Or maybe not. Who knew.]
Just so you know, someday you're going to feel better about trusting someone to that level. Might take awhile, but you will. [He smirked.] Maybe you'll feel like you've gotten back from the war when that happens.
[ The words hit way too close to home, because Brock is right. Bucky never really felt like he came home from the war. Hell, he didn't come home. He was left for dead and once he'd gotten away from HYDRA, he'd had to go on the run. He'd thought maybe Steve finally catching up to him in Bucharest could have been the start of the end, but they'd just had to keep fighting and it hasn't stopped. Now he's here, strange place that it is, and he might not be fighting, but he isn't home, either. It's like an improved being-on-the-run. The improvement being that Steve and Peggy are here and that Bucky's started to make some new friends, too, like River and Brock. It's possibly he has odd taste, but that wouldn't be new for him, anyway. ]
Just not that interested.
[ He shrugs. It's not something he can really explain. When he'd been younger, he'd chased skirts like it was a race for his life. Now? It seems unnecessary and messy and, frankly, frightening. ]
Something about the whole world ending that just doesn't do it for me.
[Rumlow had never come home from the war either, but not in the same sense as many others. Despite the hardships, he reveled in the military life, the need to take an order and make something happen with it, to plan and execute operations, to gather like-minded people, to have his hands so dirtied with mud and blood that he could tell which was which. It was the life for him, and he felt alive when he was playing soldier. After the street life, that was all he had ever known, and he'd die before he let anyone take it away from him. He never came home because he never wanted to, but he was skilled enough to help others home and into the safety of HYDRA's arms where he could.
Maybe that was why he never settled down and started a family. Maybe that was why he was doing so poorly here because soldiering had stopped.
But he was nodding his head in complete understanding of Barnes' refusal. There was no judgment from him on it, and he figured the guy needed time to figure things out before ever taking on more than the right hand in a fit of passion. Likely it was all mechanical motion anyway.]
When you've seen and done too much shit, sex is the last thing on your mind. Even meeting people who might want it can be daunting, am I right? [He remained casual as he looked Barnes over.] You sleeping alright? I only ask because sleep deprivation messes with everything.
[He snorted and then shrugged.]
World was always going to end. This time just happened to be because of something beyond our control. Better than humanity doing it to itself honestly.
[ Bucky had never been all that into soldiering. He'd joined the army because they'd been at war. Fighting Nazis had always seemed like a worthy cause. It still does. Being a sniper is something he'd been really good at, but being a soldier had just been a necessity for survival and for keeping Steve safe and winning the war.
As the Winter Soldier, he hadn't been much of a person at all. He couldn't say what he'd liked or thrived in, because he hadn't. He'd simply existed, like a hammer. ]
Didn't used to feel like the world was gonna end.
[ And maybe that's no true. The 1940s had been a strange time. The Nazis controlled a lot of Europe. That had been pretty scary at the time. Then there was his capture at Azzano. It had felt like the end of the line. ]
But no, I don't really sleep well. Haven't in a while.
[ As they talk, he lays out his low bet. The hand's not great, but it's not nothing. ]
In my world, there was this huge alien invasion and it felt like we were at an end, but it took time and we fought them back.
[He shrugged his shoulders, not that he had been deployed in the Battle of New York. His aide had come days after the invasion had been put to an end, some governmental show of solidarity with the citizens who had suffered. It hadn't been the same as being in the thick of it.
No, they had watched and then they had been sent out for missions of their own while it was all going down, quiet and secretive. Too many heads turned to not take advantage of advancing the cause in their own way. Another death wouldn't even touch the news, international or otherwise.]
That's where you need to focus your attention. Once you find a good place to sleep and settle your mind, it feels like everything else has the potential to fall into place.
[He knew about nightmares. He saw men and women ravaged by them. No peace even while sleeping, which made the days of anxiety and depression even harder.
He frowned as he laid his own cards on the table. They both had a double, but as planned, Barnes' cards were marginally higher value than his. He shook his head as if disgusted.]
[ That gets his attention. He wonders if they're from the same world. Seven billion people were on that planet. A few more of them could be here. An alien invasion couldn't have been unique to their world, though. ]
We had something similar, but I was out of town when it happened.
[ He was probably frozen and if he wasn't, then he either wasn't made aware or he can't remember it yet. It's not like HYDRA had prioritized keeping a tool in the know. Either way, he was nowhere near it. He'd had to read about it years later with pictures of Steve in the fray. ]
Take off your shoes. There's something wrong with a half-naked man still wearing shoes.
[ There's a grin with that. It would be pretty mean if he went for the underwear first. Is that cheating? Cheating to win isn't his style, but Bucky's not above cheating for a good laugh. ]
You got any advice about figuring out that whole sleeping thing? 'Cause I've been working at it for a few years.
[It was a good thing that Rumlow was a double-agent otherwise he might have laughed at the claim of being out of town. There had been discussion of thawing the Soldier during that attack, take out HYDRA's enemies and blame it on the chitauri, but in the end, they had opted to remain in the shadows.]
Yeah, alien invasions seem like a theme since I've been here. Guess like me, you experienced one of the not so friendly alien species, yeah?
[He huffed and made a bit of a show of unlacing his boots and handing one over. They were military grade, black and well worn. The kind of boots that STRIKE wore for most of their careers.]
I think it's classy, but what do I know?
[He gathered up the cards again and began to shuffle, putting the cards in his favour for this round. Sometimes luck had everything to do with how the cards fell and other times it was simply how the dealer handled them.]
It's individual, but I heard good things about meditation. Depends if you're not sleeping because of anxiety, nightmares, or everything in between. I used to get a lot of memories myself when I slept, things that came after a blur of the day. Just little things I knew about and reacted to but otherwise missed when stacked against everything else. I'd wake, ponder it, go back to sleep... rinse and repeat.
Like I said, I was out of town, but my friend fought them firsthand. I saw the footage.
[ He taps the table with the fingers of his right hand, not sure how much he should really say on the matter. He's seen the footage of Steve fighting a literal hoard of space invaders. It's unreal what Steve's been up to and there's a part of Bucky that's proud of him, but there's also a part that knows that the more attention he draws to Steve, the more he draws to his own unique history and he doesn't want that here. ]
Me, too, though. The memories, I mean. I, uh, had some serious head trauma a while back. Sometimes things that were missing for a while come back all at once.
[ It's a lie, but it's still more vulnerability than he'd show most people and he knows it. It's close enough to the truth that it's honest in the symptoms if not the cause, anyway. ]
Yeah, footage was everywhere. It was something no one had ever seen before.
[It had been the first time he had looked upon Captain America and realized what they were up against, what it would take if he ever encountered the man who had once been a childhood hero. He needed an A game, and he had done it, had duped so many people because when it came to super heroes, the underdogs were so easily ignored up until the time when sweep change came about. It was too bad it all came down as it did. It wasn't that he should have been stronger; it was just fact that they had been overcome.
And in the end, Rumlow watched Barnes across the table and knew that someday in their not so distant future that the Soldier would look back upon all of their conversations and see all the Easter Eggs he had dropped. They would snap into context of how much he knew, and that look of betrayal might actually be the highlight before he died. God he hoped it was by knife and not gun. Come on, disembowelment! It wasn't like he didn't deserve it after all.
All the same, he nodded his head sympathetically and dealt them another hand. He wondered what it was like to realize all the bad shit HYDRA had made the guy do, the horror of being just a soldier of he US Army and then becoming the world's more elusive assassins who committed the kind of atrocities that would leave most men sweating at night. It had to be a horrendous violation to realize everything. A part of him felt sorry for the Soldier, but he didn't regret meeting and working with HYDRA's Fist. Sacrifices were necessary. Order in pain.]
I get that. I'd say it gets easier, but it doesn't, not really. We do what we can to cope and we learn to compartmentalize the pain away. [He paused in picking up his cards, jaw working as he revealed a detail he had never told anyone else.]
I shot my spotter. In the head. She was an excellent soldier, was pulling out one of our own when she was shot by insurgence. Our orders were to never be taken alive because of the sensitive information that could be tortured out of us. I was the sniper of our unit, marked her down my scope. [His eyes were on the table, his fingers sliding along the outside of the cards.] ...blew her brains out all over the face of the enemy hauling her off. She knew it was coming; she would have done the same for me. I still see her smiling at me through my scope. [He shook his head and chuckled, clearing his throat and then picking up his cards.]
We all go through shit, and we either learn to live with it and accept it as our shit or... we fall down and probably eat a bullet. [He glanced at Barnes.] I get the impression you're too strong for that, but... I'm still here, okay? Even if you just need to sit in silence with someone else, I'll be there.
[ His voice catches. The story stirs something in Bucky, like a pit in his stomach that threatens to claw its way out through his rib cage. He can't imagine killing a teammate like that. He knows he could never have shot Steve or any of the other Howlies. He can't even really think about it. He would have done anything to get them bac safely, but he never could have killed them. Not unless he'd expected them to go through what he had after he'd fallen from the train. That, he might have been able to push himself to spare them from.
He breaks eye contact before he keeps talking. It's too much to maintain it when it feels like he's ripping off a barely-formed scab. ]
I was forced to assassinate someone I'd been friends with. It wasn't--It was political and I had no choice.
[ He'd attacked Steve, too, with all the intent of taking him out, but Steve had fought him off and walked away. Howard and his wife hadn't had a fighting chance. ]
His son found out, so I'm pretty fucked if he wakes up here.
[ Because Tony Stark will try to kill him. It's something Bucky's sure of because it's the last thing he remembers before he woke up. Tony Stark coming at him with clear intent to kill. As much as Bucky hates what he's become and what he's done, he doesn't want to die. He can't say he never has dark or troubled thoughts, but Brock is right. He'll keep surviving it. It's just that he might torture himself with it, too. ]
It wasn't my choice, but I still did it, you know? I was the last thing he saw.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I have cards. I'll see you later.
[Action]
He grabbed some snacks, keeping himself to dried fruit such as this place's equivalent of apples, bananas, pears and something that might be a strawberry? He also grabbed a little trail mix, something that would keep him going on his own as he moved around.
Once he had reasonable supplies and his clothing had dried, he headed up to the satellite to find a room, texting the number to the Winter Soldier but settling in. He figured the guy would come whenever, and he would catch kip to two on a real bed for once. Whatever, the door was open, so just come in.]
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He finds something that passes for a potato chip and makes a few sandwiches and packs them into a small bag with the cards. The nice thing about living with Steve and Peggy is that he really hasn't had to worry about money and what little he's made, he's been able to spend on himself.
When he finds the door, he knocks and pushes the door open. ]
Hey.
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Rumlow opened his eyes and turned his head in time to see the Winter Soldier push into the room, and he could recall a time when such a scene would draw him immediately to his feet in anticipation of pushing the world forever forward to that necessary forced peace. This time, he wiggled on the bed and then sat up slowly, stretching his arms and rolling his shoulders a moment later.]
Fancy meeting you in a place like this. Come on in, place is ours for some hours.
[He rose to his feet, and he gestured to the table that he had set up his own snacks and had a big bottle of water.]
No trouble finding your way here?
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[ Bucky smiles as he goes to add his own snacks to the table. It's a lot easier to find his way around the ship when the doors aren't dumping him in the wrong place half the time. ]
I hope you weren't waiting too long.
[ Since he apparently felt the need to nap while he was waiting for Bucky.
He pulls out the deck of cards and puts that on the table, too. They're worn in and instead of a box, they're held together by a hair tie, but Bucky made sure the deck wasn't missing anything. ]
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Not that long, just enough to catch a few winks. Gotta get it where and when we can, right?
[He nodded his chin towards the cards.]
Those look well used. If you put the hair tie on, I'll consider it another piece of clothing I have to win off of you.
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He sits across from Brock and pulls the hair tie off of the cards, pushing the deck across the table. Then he starts to pull his hair back into a loose ponytail with a cheesy grin. He's already got several layers on and he doesn't care if that's cheating. ]
You can try.
[ When he's done, a few strands fall loose, but most of it stays where it is. ]
Been a while, but I think I used to be good at this.
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He grinned though, easy and relaxed himself as he pulled the deck over to himself and began to shuffle them together. He subtly watched the cards, but he was more getting the feel of them as he shuffled. How easy they were to slid and move around to give him an advantage. He was curious how good Barnes' perception skills were.]
Oh yeah? You seem like you'd have a good poker face. [He paused and considered.] Or maybe you're one of those guys that's always smiling and that throws everyone for a loop.
[He was still shuffling, taking his time with the cards, using his fingers to arrange the deck to his liking as he moved through it.]
I see you've put on a few extra layers. Expecting a rough start?
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[ In any case, he doesn't mind being called on it. He used to sweep the floor at poker and he thinks his poker face is probably better now than it used to be.
Spinning a web of lies isn't exactly his thing, even if he's not as bad at it as Steve is. He's a lot better reading a man in a fight than a conversation, so he's going to try to make sure they don't talk too much about Bucky. He doesn't want Brock finding all the holes in his story, so he'll let Brock think he's older and more experienced than Bucky is, just like he'll let Brock thing he served in a very different army than the one he did.
There's something weird about having to pretend he's so much younger than he is, because he knows how young he looks and he's not sure how much of that is what Zola did to him and how much is that he'd been intermittently frozen. Steve looks even younger and he wonders if they can't pass for 30 to strangers, even if he knows they both feel old. Sometimes he feels like he's 80, even if he knows that adding up all the years he's been awake can't amount to a number higher than 45 and that's giving credit to years where he wasn't cognizant or in control. Hell, he doesn't even remember all of it.
He leans his elbows on the table and the corner of his lip twitches. ]
If you're so good, you shouldn't have a problem, anyway.
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[In any other situation, towards any other person, Rumlow would have thought the comment all too easy. However, Barnes clearly wasn't aware of their history, of the fact that he knew for a fact that the Winter Soldier was frozen nearly solid for many years at a time and this guy even survived like that. He had always wondered if the guy was cold all the time, or if the thawing process removed any of the hypothermia sensation which seemed to plague other people.
And Rumlow might have been as careful about not digging too deeply where he knew there would be holes. He knew how to side-step those topics of conversation because there was far greater value in having an actual relationship with the Soldier than taking his time to systematically force the realization that they came from the same world, his childhood inspiration had once been right out of Captain America comics, and he was a high-ranking member of HYDRA who had taken a personal hand in not doing anything to oppose how the Soldier was treated despite how uncomfortable it actually made him.
His grin still widened as he shuffled the deck and then set it down in front of Barnes. The best part of this session was that they both likely had amazing poker faces, and it would be difficult to get a read on one another. It was an interesting challenge. The problem was that Rumlow would cheat his way through this all the same.]
Cut the deck, will you? Then we'll get started, and we'll see how good you really are with that charming poker face.
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If you manage to get enough of my clothes off, we can talk about the heat.
[ There's a little smirk on his face as he pushes the cards back across the table and leans forward. He's sure Brock can't know how close his jokes hit to home. How could anyone? It's a good thing Bucky really does have a decent poker face, because it's just as useful for self preservation as it is for cards. He's not exactly stone-faced, but he's good at holding in a reaction. It's something.
Instead, he just leans into that comment about his face being charming with a smarmy little smile. ]
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[It was better to play himself up as being good and lucky now so when he began a systematic win streak to earn himself at least view of that metal arm in full then he could claim it on experience rather than cheating. He had no doubt that the Soldier had a keen eye, so he was hoping his sleight of hand was as good as it always had been.
And already he could see how good Barnes was as keeping those emotions in check. He knew someday that the Soldier would look back on this conversation and several of his other 'near miss' comments after he was found out and understand why he had made the zingers to begin with. No point bursting that bubble, but he had to hand it to the guy... as skilled as ever.
He was smirking as he shuffled once more and then set the deck in an even favour, passing out the cards even if he knew the cards he was getting.]
We won't need heat, though. I'm hot enough to keep this place warm. [Said with a smirk of his own.]
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If you lay it on any thicker, I'm going to think you really are trying to sleep with me, pal.
[ He's really not used to being on the receiving end of that, either, even if it is a joke. Back when he'd been younger, he'd more often than not been the pursuer and when he hadn't been, the women hadn't been quite that aggressive. He can't say he's ever noticed a man hitting on him before, but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened. The 30s and 40s hadn't exactly been a time of open acceptance. ]
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HYDRA valued consent about as much as a rapist and there was a running dark joke about consent coming down to: no means yes and yes means more. Even if someone was resistant, if the skill set matched, they would just make it happen one way or another. Deserters were not tolerated and made examples of in the most brutal of ways. Pierce in particular had established an order where recruiting troubled people young made for less violent needs of brainwashing.
And Barnes was the epitome of consent denial. While he understood how great of sacrifices were required and never felt bad about the ways that HYDRA took people, there had always been something wrong at the end when working with the Winter Soldier. It was like the guy had been hollowed out and the methods of control had not had to be employed often because the brainwashing was so thick, but... the wiping had made him question what he was doing, why he was doing it and if it was the right thing. It had been the first time in a very long time, and that was a reality that had made him distinctly uncomfortable... and more violent in the end.
So maybe his silence was too long, his smirk a little too plastered, and he knew that could be read two different ways for the most part. He finally added a shrug and arranged his cards in his hands.]
Man like you can have pick of the litter, so go find yourself a nice girl - or boy, I don't judge. There are plenty of people with life experience that will tickle you, champ. [And he grinned in a charming way.] I'll be here if you want the asspats though. I have zero shame, but I'm bad for people.
[He tossed two cards down and drew two more, waiting for the Soldier to choose cards. It was one thing to pretend friendship with the Winter Soldier; it was another to ever consider anything else. It was all going to end in flames anyway; it was just a matter of time.]
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Nah. Not in the cards for me anymore.
[ He placed down three of his own cards. What a shitty hand. ]
Kinda past that part of my life, but I'll take the compliments.
[ He doesn't bother to correct that he likes women. He's not so sure if he even likes sex anymore. There's something way too open and vulnerable about it that makes Bucky want to run away screaming from the mere concept. It would probably mirror how anyone else with half a lick of sense would run away screaming after they saw that much of Bucky. Sure, he still has a sex drive, but he'll take his hand over someone else's for the time being. ]
Nice to know I still got it.
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And over and over since he had arrived here, his associations had made him to reviled member of people from their world. He was practically ostracized by now. Hell, the only reason Barnes was even in the same room with him was because the poor asshole had no idea who he was.]
Oh, you joining the priesthood and swearing off deep meaningful sexual relationships? 'Cause I'd hate to break your bubble and point out all the sexual predation in the religious life.
[He leaned back a little, how own hand marginally good because he needed to start slow, work his way up to the finer defeats. He still he could beat Barnes even with this hand, but it would be a close thing he figured. Or maybe not. Who knew.]
Just so you know, someday you're going to feel better about trusting someone to that level. Might take awhile, but you will. [He smirked.] Maybe you'll feel like you've gotten back from the war when that happens.
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Just not that interested.
[ He shrugs. It's not something he can really explain. When he'd been younger, he'd chased skirts like it was a race for his life. Now? It seems unnecessary and messy and, frankly, frightening. ]
Something about the whole world ending that just doesn't do it for me.
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Maybe that was why he never settled down and started a family. Maybe that was why he was doing so poorly here because soldiering had stopped.
But he was nodding his head in complete understanding of Barnes' refusal. There was no judgment from him on it, and he figured the guy needed time to figure things out before ever taking on more than the right hand in a fit of passion. Likely it was all mechanical motion anyway.]
When you've seen and done too much shit, sex is the last thing on your mind. Even meeting people who might want it can be daunting, am I right? [He remained casual as he looked Barnes over.] You sleeping alright? I only ask because sleep deprivation messes with everything.
[He snorted and then shrugged.]
World was always going to end. This time just happened to be because of something beyond our control. Better than humanity doing it to itself honestly.
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As the Winter Soldier, he hadn't been much of a person at all. He couldn't say what he'd liked or thrived in, because he hadn't. He'd simply existed, like a hammer. ]
Didn't used to feel like the world was gonna end.
[ And maybe that's no true. The 1940s had been a strange time. The Nazis controlled a lot of Europe. That had been pretty scary at the time. Then there was his capture at Azzano. It had felt like the end of the line. ]
But no, I don't really sleep well. Haven't in a while.
[ As they talk, he lays out his low bet. The hand's not great, but it's not nothing. ]
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[He shrugged his shoulders, not that he had been deployed in the Battle of New York. His aide had come days after the invasion had been put to an end, some governmental show of solidarity with the citizens who had suffered. It hadn't been the same as being in the thick of it.
No, they had watched and then they had been sent out for missions of their own while it was all going down, quiet and secretive. Too many heads turned to not take advantage of advancing the cause in their own way. Another death wouldn't even touch the news, international or otherwise.]
That's where you need to focus your attention. Once you find a good place to sleep and settle your mind, it feels like everything else has the potential to fall into place.
[He knew about nightmares. He saw men and women ravaged by them. No peace even while sleeping, which made the days of anxiety and depression even harder.
He frowned as he laid his own cards on the table. They both had a double, but as planned, Barnes' cards were marginally higher value than his. He shook his head as if disgusted.]
What clothing do you want?
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We had something similar, but I was out of town when it happened.
[ He was probably frozen and if he wasn't, then he either wasn't made aware or he can't remember it yet. It's not like HYDRA had prioritized keeping a tool in the know. Either way, he was nowhere near it. He'd had to read about it years later with pictures of Steve in the fray. ]
Take off your shoes. There's something wrong with a half-naked man still wearing shoes.
[ There's a grin with that. It would be pretty mean if he went for the underwear first. Is that cheating? Cheating to win isn't his style, but Bucky's not above cheating for a good laugh. ]
You got any advice about figuring out that whole sleeping thing? 'Cause I've been working at it for a few years.
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Yeah, alien invasions seem like a theme since I've been here. Guess like me, you experienced one of the not so friendly alien species, yeah?
[He huffed and made a bit of a show of unlacing his boots and handing one over. They were military grade, black and well worn. The kind of boots that STRIKE wore for most of their careers.]
I think it's classy, but what do I know?
[He gathered up the cards again and began to shuffle, putting the cards in his favour for this round. Sometimes luck had everything to do with how the cards fell and other times it was simply how the dealer handled them.]
It's individual, but I heard good things about meditation. Depends if you're not sleeping because of anxiety, nightmares, or everything in between. I used to get a lot of memories myself when I slept, things that came after a blur of the day. Just little things I knew about and reacted to but otherwise missed when stacked against everything else. I'd wake, ponder it, go back to sleep... rinse and repeat.
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[ He taps the table with the fingers of his right hand, not sure how much he should really say on the matter. He's seen the footage of Steve fighting a literal hoard of space invaders. It's unreal what Steve's been up to and there's a part of Bucky that's proud of him, but there's also a part that knows that the more attention he draws to Steve, the more he draws to his own unique history and he doesn't want that here. ]
Me, too, though. The memories, I mean. I, uh, had some serious head trauma a while back. Sometimes things that were missing for a while come back all at once.
[ It's a lie, but it's still more vulnerability than he'd show most people and he knows it. It's close enough to the truth that it's honest in the symptoms if not the cause, anyway. ]
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[It had been the first time he had looked upon Captain America and realized what they were up against, what it would take if he ever encountered the man who had once been a childhood hero. He needed an A game, and he had done it, had duped so many people because when it came to super heroes, the underdogs were so easily ignored up until the time when sweep change came about. It was too bad it all came down as it did. It wasn't that he should have been stronger; it was just fact that they had been overcome.
And in the end, Rumlow watched Barnes across the table and knew that someday in their not so distant future that the Soldier would look back upon all of their conversations and see all the Easter Eggs he had dropped. They would snap into context of how much he knew, and that look of betrayal might actually be the highlight before he died. God he hoped it was by knife and not gun. Come on, disembowelment! It wasn't like he didn't deserve it after all.
All the same, he nodded his head sympathetically and dealt them another hand. He wondered what it was like to realize all the bad shit HYDRA had made the guy do, the horror of being just a soldier of he US Army and then becoming the world's more elusive assassins who committed the kind of atrocities that would leave most men sweating at night. It had to be a horrendous violation to realize everything. A part of him felt sorry for the Soldier, but he didn't regret meeting and working with HYDRA's Fist. Sacrifices were necessary. Order in pain.]
I get that. I'd say it gets easier, but it doesn't, not really. We do what we can to cope and we learn to compartmentalize the pain away. [He paused in picking up his cards, jaw working as he revealed a detail he had never told anyone else.]
I shot my spotter. In the head. She was an excellent soldier, was pulling out one of our own when she was shot by insurgence. Our orders were to never be taken alive because of the sensitive information that could be tortured out of us. I was the sniper of our unit, marked her down my scope. [His eyes were on the table, his fingers sliding along the outside of the cards.] ...blew her brains out all over the face of the enemy hauling her off. She knew it was coming; she would have done the same for me. I still see her smiling at me through my scope. [He shook his head and chuckled, clearing his throat and then picking up his cards.]
We all go through shit, and we either learn to live with it and accept it as our shit or... we fall down and probably eat a bullet. [He glanced at Barnes.] I get the impression you're too strong for that, but... I'm still here, okay? Even if you just need to sit in silence with someone else, I'll be there.
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[ His voice catches. The story stirs something in Bucky, like a pit in his stomach that threatens to claw its way out through his rib cage. He can't imagine killing a teammate like that. He knows he could never have shot Steve or any of the other Howlies. He can't even really think about it. He would have done anything to get them bac safely, but he never could have killed them. Not unless he'd expected them to go through what he had after he'd fallen from the train. That, he might have been able to push himself to spare them from.
He breaks eye contact before he keeps talking. It's too much to maintain it when it feels like he's ripping off a barely-formed scab. ]
I was forced to assassinate someone I'd been friends with. It wasn't--It was political and I had no choice.
[ He'd attacked Steve, too, with all the intent of taking him out, but Steve had fought him off and walked away. Howard and his wife hadn't had a fighting chance. ]
His son found out, so I'm pretty fucked if he wakes up here.
[ Because Tony Stark will try to kill him. It's something Bucky's sure of because it's the last thing he remembers before he woke up. Tony Stark coming at him with clear intent to kill. As much as Bucky hates what he's become and what he's done, he doesn't want to die. He can't say he never has dark or troubled thoughts, but Brock is right. He'll keep surviving it. It's just that he might torture himself with it, too. ]
It wasn't my choice, but I still did it, you know? I was the last thing he saw.
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