[even with everything that bucky says, with the assurances and encouragement, it's the first part that hits the hardest. that reminder that he isn't the only one going through all this. it's something that's easy to forget when he sees how well bucky is carving out a life for himself. how smoothly he can interact with the modern world. but it's a reminder that, once again, bucky is putting aside his own problems in order to try and help him. The same way he always has, and steve knows that, no matter what happens, that isn't going to change.
pulling away from the hold a little, steve swipes at his face, taking a deep breath as he tries to pull himself together a little better. sure, he knows he has nothing to hide. not when it comes to bucky. but he has something more important to focus on now. has his own returned need to make sure that the other man is okay.
the smile he gives is watery at best, even in the darkness of the room. but he doesn't see any reason to hide it. not after all he's just shared with bucky.]
You're kind of biased, you know.
[calling him the best person he knows. but it's a sentiment that's shared wholeheartedly. no matter how strongly he feels about peggy, having bucky here with him means he can still see a light at the end of it all. still has a future that he will fight for. as long as he has bucky, he isn't giving up.
he just can't promise he won't stumble a few times along the way.]
I'm not going anywhere. You and me-- We'll survive this place together, right?
[and as long as they have each other, well, he'll work out how to deal with the rest of the mess he's avoiding. later though. when he isn't curled up in bed with the one person he knows he won't be able to survive losing again.]
[ Bucky's sure of that, knows it like it's written into his DNA. There's a lot in the world he's unsure of, but Steve is never question. Even when Bucky had run, it hadn't been because he hadn't trusted Steve. It had been more out of a distrust for the people around him and the fear of what could happen to Steve's life if he found Bucky.
He hadn't been wrong about that, either. ]
We'll get through it together.
[ Maybe Steve needs the reassurance and maybe Bucky will need the same later.
He lets out a heavy breath and combs over the conversation. He's pretty tired. Maybe he missed some things, but it's important to keep track of everything. It's an old habit, left over from his HYDRA training, but it's one that still serves him well. ]
[he's fully prepared to leave the conversation at just that. to settle in for the night and try to get some sleep, curled up next to bucky. short of the other man throwing him out, there's no way he's going to be heading back to his room now, so it's easy for him to settle against the pillow. for him to let his eyes slide shut, his hold on bucky slipping a little as he finally starts to relax.
when the question comes though, steve cracks his eyes back open again, a grimace crossing his face briefly before it's pushed aside. sure, he knows that he really doesn't have anything to hide from bucky, that the worst that'll happen is a little teasing at his expense. but that doesn't mean he's particularly happy to bring it all back up again. to recall the reasons why he'd ever gone to the other bucky in the first place.]
...before the hotel arrived, or after?
[because everything that happened while the hotel was here, he knows he at least had an excuse for his actions. they all had. none of them had been entirely in their right minds. had really had any option but to do as they were told. everything that happened before the hotel appeared though is a whole different story.]
When you told me about Thomas, I said I was okay with it. And I am, that hasn't changed. But it came as a surprise, and I wasn't really sure how to deal with it.
[which is an understatement, given the distance he'd put between the two of them, however brief it may have been.]
When I went out for that run, I contacted him and asked if we could meet. [as for why he looks uncomfortable talking about all this though--] I ended up kissing him. And then I avoided him until we got trapped in an elevator together at the hotel. [almost a week later.]
[ There's a pang of something in Bucky's chest that he can't quite identify, because he knows what that means. He'd been trapped in the elevator, too, but he also knows what Steve's lips feel like against his own now. He'd never thought about kissing Steve before. Now, he's not sure he'll really be able to say that again. ]
I'm not unpacking any of that, but I fooled around with him, too.
[ And if being friends with yourself is weird, having mutual orgasms with him is a new level, right? But here they are and Bucky's not really sorry about it, either. Sure, they have a lot in common. Maybe too much, but they're friends. Why would they feel bad about fooling around?
He's quiet for a moment, not sure if he should let the whole thing go. Really, he's not sure if he can and while he's often content to sit and stew in his own mind, he knows he'll never get an answer if he doesn't ask: ]
Why go for a guy who looks like me?
[ Okay, maybe he's unpacking some of it, because Steve hadn't come to him, but he hadn't gone to someone entirely different, either. ]
[the revelation is met with surprise, at first. at the idea of bucky actually wanting to fool around with his doppelganger in the first place. but, he supposes, it also makes sense in a way. that out of all the people in this city, he'd end with the one person who likely knows his likes and dislikes the best. it may not negate the strangeness of it all, but who is he to judge? after all, he did seek out the other bucky because of those very similarities.
he knows it's only a matter of time though. knows that bucky's curiosity will likely get the better of him. so rather than respond, he waits it out. and his patience is rewarded when the question comes. though it's not necessarily one he has an answer to.]
Because you were the one person I needed to talk to that night, but I don't think I was ready to face you right away.
[which is a feeling he still isn't happy about. that he was actually worried that he'd be able to ruin things between them by acting like a jerk. the two of them have been through far too much together for a single conversation to have damaged it all permanently. he knows that now. but at the time, it'd been a risk he wasn't willing to take.]
[ It hadn't really escaped Bucky's notice, either, that nothing had happened between him and Steve until he'd looked like the old Bucky, but he's not sure he's even prepared for an answer on that. It's an old wound at this point: the fear of disappointing Steve is almost as bad as the fear of hurting him. Bucky's not sure he can take the answer, so he doesn't ask. ]
I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to anyone else, but you can always talk to me. Even if I'm busy or you think it's going to hurt me, you can talk to me. No one else is more important than you.
[ He shifts again until he can kiss Steve's cheek. It's the sort of affection he'd left behind in childhood, but it seems fitting now with Steve here in his bed. He can't think of anyone else he'd rather be next to, whether it's sex-related or not.
He yawns as he settles back in with Steve in his arms. ]
I always miss you when you're not around to give me a headache.
[it feels almost natural to him, to reach up to bucky's face, his touch gentle as he brushes his hair back and smiles. there's an undeniable level of comfort that comes from being able to touch the other man freely. to actually have him back again after all the time they've spent apart.]
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen.
[which would be a whole lot easier to do if he could combat his natural reaction to the issues that've come up in this city. namely--]
Hey, Buck? I need you to promise me something. [his expression turns serious, despite knowing that both of them should really be going to sleep right now. but it's something he has to say. an agreement he needs before he can finally settle in for the night the way he wants to.]
If I try to run again, I need you to come knock some sense in to me. You're the last person I should be hiding from.
[ Bucky opens his eyes again when he feels Steve touching his hair and really looks at Steve. ]
Yeah I am and the only way you're gonna hurt me is if you keep running.
[ Which is easily the most hypocritical thing that's ever come out of Bucky's mouth, but he never said he was a good fucking person. He ran even after he remembered Steve and sure, part of why he did it was to protect Steve. Of course, the other part was his own fears getting the better of him. ]
You've got to promise to come find me, too, okay? If I'm being an idiot, you come drag me home.
[ Because home is where Steve is. He doesn't care about Brooklyn or Bucharest or El Nysa. He cares about Steve Rogers.
He leans in the rest of the way, presses his lips to Steve's in what has to be most chaste kiss a grown man can give someone--just a quick, dry press of lips--and then settles back on the pillow. ]
[it's an agreement, on both parts. however difficult the situation may be, however uncomfortable things may get, he's not going anywhere. not with the knowledge that he hurts bucky that way being laid out so plainly between them. he'll happily face his own discomfort if it means protecting bucky from that.
We'll put it in that stupid contract if we have to. But you and me? We're gonna beat this place together.
[because it's a shared sentiment. home really is wherever bucky is. and right now, it's these four walls. it's being cocooned up against the other man, covers wrapped around them, hiding them away from the outside world. it's that press of lips, and that all too familiar warmth against his front. having bucky back, steve feels like himself again. feels whole in a way that he'd thought he'd lost the moment that bucky had fallen.
he really has no idea how he survived that week without bucky there by his side.]
[ Bucky just hums in agreement and finds a few gentle points of contact as he he closes his eyes. He's not sure there's anyone else he could trust to have a contract with and though he's normally more comfortable being the one caring for others, he honestly trusts Steve to take care of him sometimes, too.
It's a vulnerability he tries to hide, but he thinks he doesn't always do the best job of it. At least with Steve, he knows no one is taking advantage of the haunted look he can't quite keep out of his eyes. Whatever happens out there, he wants to come home to this for as long as he's allowed.
He starts to drift off thinking about how nice it is to have Steve here with him and how lucky he is to find him again and again. ]
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pulling away from the hold a little, steve swipes at his face, taking a deep breath as he tries to pull himself together a little better. sure, he knows he has nothing to hide. not when it comes to bucky. but he has something more important to focus on now. has his own returned need to make sure that the other man is okay.
the smile he gives is watery at best, even in the darkness of the room. but he doesn't see any reason to hide it. not after all he's just shared with bucky.]
You're kind of biased, you know.
[calling him the best person he knows. but it's a sentiment that's shared wholeheartedly. no matter how strongly he feels about peggy, having bucky here with him means he can still see a light at the end of it all. still has a future that he will fight for. as long as he has bucky, he isn't giving up.
he just can't promise he won't stumble a few times along the way.]
I'm not going anywhere. You and me-- We'll survive this place together, right?
[and as long as they have each other, well, he'll work out how to deal with the rest of the mess he's avoiding. later though. when he isn't curled up in bed with the one person he knows he won't be able to survive losing again.]
no subject
[ Bucky's sure of that, knows it like it's written into his DNA. There's a lot in the world he's unsure of, but Steve is never question. Even when Bucky had run, it hadn't been because he hadn't trusted Steve. It had been more out of a distrust for the people around him and the fear of what could happen to Steve's life if he found Bucky.
He hadn't been wrong about that, either. ]
We'll get through it together.
[ Maybe Steve needs the reassurance and maybe Bucky will need the same later.
He lets out a heavy breath and combs over the conversation. He's pretty tired. Maybe he missed some things, but it's important to keep track of everything. It's an old habit, left over from his HYDRA training, but it's one that still serves him well. ]
Wait, what did you do with the other me?
no subject
when the question comes though, steve cracks his eyes back open again, a grimace crossing his face briefly before it's pushed aside. sure, he knows that he really doesn't have anything to hide from bucky, that the worst that'll happen is a little teasing at his expense. but that doesn't mean he's particularly happy to bring it all back up again. to recall the reasons why he'd ever gone to the other bucky in the first place.]
...before the hotel arrived, or after?
[because everything that happened while the hotel was here, he knows he at least had an excuse for his actions. they all had. none of them had been entirely in their right minds. had really had any option but to do as they were told. everything that happened before the hotel appeared though is a whole different story.]
When you told me about Thomas, I said I was okay with it. And I am, that hasn't changed. But it came as a surprise, and I wasn't really sure how to deal with it.
[which is an understatement, given the distance he'd put between the two of them, however brief it may have been.]
When I went out for that run, I contacted him and asked if we could meet. [as for why he looks uncomfortable talking about all this though--] I ended up kissing him. And then I avoided him until we got trapped in an elevator together at the hotel. [almost a week later.]
no subject
I'm not unpacking any of that, but I fooled around with him, too.
[ And if being friends with yourself is weird, having mutual orgasms with him is a new level, right? But here they are and Bucky's not really sorry about it, either. Sure, they have a lot in common. Maybe too much, but they're friends. Why would they feel bad about fooling around?
He's quiet for a moment, not sure if he should let the whole thing go. Really, he's not sure if he can and while he's often content to sit and stew in his own mind, he knows he'll never get an answer if he doesn't ask: ]
Why go for a guy who looks like me?
[ Okay, maybe he's unpacking some of it, because Steve hadn't come to him, but he hadn't gone to someone entirely different, either. ]
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he knows it's only a matter of time though. knows that bucky's curiosity will likely get the better of him. so rather than respond, he waits it out. and his patience is rewarded when the question comes. though it's not necessarily one he has an answer to.]
Because you were the one person I needed to talk to that night, but I don't think I was ready to face you right away.
[which is a feeling he still isn't happy about. that he was actually worried that he'd be able to ruin things between them by acting like a jerk. the two of them have been through far too much together for a single conversation to have damaged it all permanently. he knows that now. but at the time, it'd been a risk he wasn't willing to take.]
The rest of it just sort of...happened.
no subject
I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to anyone else, but you can always talk to me. Even if I'm busy or you think it's going to hurt me, you can talk to me. No one else is more important than you.
[ He shifts again until he can kiss Steve's cheek. It's the sort of affection he'd left behind in childhood, but it seems fitting now with Steve here in his bed. He can't think of anyone else he'd rather be next to, whether it's sex-related or not.
He yawns as he settles back in with Steve in his arms. ]
I always miss you when you're not around to give me a headache.
no subject
[it feels almost natural to him, to reach up to bucky's face, his touch gentle as he brushes his hair back and smiles. there's an undeniable level of comfort that comes from being able to touch the other man freely. to actually have him back again after all the time they've spent apart.]
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen.
[which would be a whole lot easier to do if he could combat his natural reaction to the issues that've come up in this city. namely--]
Hey, Buck? I need you to promise me something. [his expression turns serious, despite knowing that both of them should really be going to sleep right now. but it's something he has to say. an agreement he needs before he can finally settle in for the night the way he wants to.]
If I try to run again, I need you to come knock some sense in to me. You're the last person I should be hiding from.
no subject
Yeah I am and the only way you're gonna hurt me is if you keep running.
[ Which is easily the most hypocritical thing that's ever come out of Bucky's mouth, but he never said he was a good fucking person. He ran even after he remembered Steve and sure, part of why he did it was to protect Steve. Of course, the other part was his own fears getting the better of him. ]
You've got to promise to come find me, too, okay? If I'm being an idiot, you come drag me home.
[ Because home is where Steve is. He doesn't care about Brooklyn or Bucharest or El Nysa. He cares about Steve Rogers.
He leans in the rest of the way, presses his lips to Steve's in what has to be most chaste kiss a grown man can give someone--just a quick, dry press of lips--and then settles back on the pillow. ]
no subject
[it's an agreement, on both parts. however difficult the situation may be, however uncomfortable things may get, he's not going anywhere. not with the knowledge that he hurts bucky that way being laid out so plainly between them. he'll happily face his own discomfort if it means protecting bucky from that.
We'll put it in that stupid contract if we have to. But you and me? We're gonna beat this place together.
[because it's a shared sentiment. home really is wherever bucky is. and right now, it's these four walls. it's being cocooned up against the other man, covers wrapped around them, hiding them away from the outside world. it's that press of lips, and that all too familiar warmth against his front. having bucky back, steve feels like himself again. feels whole in a way that he'd thought he'd lost the moment that bucky had fallen.
he really has no idea how he survived that week without bucky there by his side.]
You and me, Buck. No matter what.
no subject
It's a vulnerability he tries to hide, but he thinks he doesn't always do the best job of it. At least with Steve, he knows no one is taking advantage of the haunted look he can't quite keep out of his eyes. Whatever happens out there, he wants to come home to this for as long as he's allowed.
He starts to drift off thinking about how nice it is to have Steve here with him and how lucky he is to find him again and again. ]