[ For his part, Bucky has been managing the best he can. Even without the added benefit of the serum, he's still a pretty strong guy and he's in great shape, so he's not struggling too much. It had never really dulled his sense of pain, anyway, so he knows when he needs to stop to avoid damage and he figures he'll have to work out more to maintain it, but that's fine, too. The real issue is the constant soreness around his left shoulder now and the fact that he knows he really should tell Steve. He just needs to figure out how.
It's all running through his mind as he finishes washing his face when Steve calls to him and he towels off his skin and walks out to the living room. ]
Hey. What's all this?
[ He gestures towards the box before taking a seat next to Steve. ]
[with bucky alongside him, steve finds it that little bit easier to relax against the cushions. but while he wants to sling an arm around his shoulders and simply enjoy the fact they have some time they can spend together, they're both here for a reason. even if he hasn't made that entirely clear just yet.]
"Something must be given in return."
[while he doesn't know if it was the exact same experience for bucky, he knows that both of them came out of the past week free of words and fingerprints. from all he's heard, he knows that others seem to have largely returned to the way they were before. that most seem to have paid for that luxury, in a multitude of ways. by comparison to certain others he knows, his payment was relatively light. but it isn't something the two of them have discussed yet, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't curious about just what bucky gave up to be cleaned of those words.]
Don't suppose you know anybody I could donate all this to. The world's a whole lot greyer now, so there's no point keeping this stuff around anymore.
[ Because now Bucky can't help feeling like he's lost two things. Steve's art hasn't exactly been the most pressing aspect of Steve's life lately, sure, but it's still something Bucky's treasured. He's always loved the way Steve could draw. His own attempts at it haven't been awful, but he's got nothing on Steve, at least not in his own eyes. ]
I'm your number one fan, so give me the collector's items.
[ He nudges Steve, careful not to jostle his own left arm too much as he moves. Then he leans over a little more until he can press his lips to Steve's jaw, lips pressed against his beard. It's a reminder that Bucky isn't the only one who's changed. Bucky has to be okay with that, because this man is still Steve underneath everything. It's never been about what he looks like, even if the package is pretty nice these days. ]
My sketchbooks aren't in there. But everything I've got is already yours anyway, so you can take them too if you want.
[though it may have to be shared custody, given that he refuses to give up drawing completely. it just means that he's stuck with regular pencils again. charcoal, if he's feeling particularly creative. as much as he may not be a professional, he knows he wouldn't be able to give up drawing completely. it's one of the few outlets he has that don't end in bloodied fists.
with bucky closing that distance between them, his own restraint fades away, and he drops an arm over bucky's shoulders, pulling him close. as much as he may miss what he gave up, he knows he got off easily compared to most. especially since he's still here, in one piece, and able to enjoy being this close to someone he cares so deeply for.]
M'still gonna be drawing you a lot more than you probably think.
[ Something warm swells in Bucky's chest at that. They really do share a lot and Bucky likes that. He likes that they live out of each other's pockets like that. It's a nice reminder that he isn't alone anymore. ]
I like when you draw me.
[ Which is funny, because Bucky's job is to let people draw him, but Steve's still his favorite artist. He likes being the subject of that intense sort of attention from him.
He lets himself slump into Steve's side, head resting on the other man's shoulder. ]
I know you're gonna tell me that you're fine, but you know it's okay if you aren't, right?
[though it's mostly a tease. he knows, first hand, just how patient bucky can be when he wants to. even before the war, the very fact that he'd never given up on steve had been a testament to that
with bucky slumped now, steve's concern immediately shifts towards him, his hold tightening instinctively. as much as he understands the offer, knows that bucky is right, he still absolutely hates the idea of worrying the other man. they have enough on their plates already to deal with.]
I know. But I'm okay. I'm not happy about it, sure. But it's nothing compared to what other people have had to give up. [he presses a kiss to the top of bucky's head before adding a quiet--] This is one time you really don't need to worry about me.
I will never stop worrying about you, both because you're a complete disaster of a man and because it's what I do.
[ Even if Steve really is fine, Bucky will still worry about him. He will always have that space in his mind that's occupied by the need to have Steve's back. The years he'd been on the run, he'd stalked Steve from afar and now that they're together again, he gets to worry up close.
He turns his head to kiss Steve's shoulder, but when he tries to settle back down again, a jolt of pain shoots up his left side and he can't help wincing visibly. He really has to get that poker face back. ]
[well, he's not going to deny a single part of that. as much as he'd like it if bucky stopped worrying so much about him, it's exactly the same in reverse. bucky is, without a doubt, the single most important person in his life, and he'll never stop worrying about him.
especially after a reaction like that.
all humor disappears instantly, replaced with concern as he loosens his hold just a little. it wouldn't be the first time that steve forgot his own strength. but with bucky, that had never been a problem before. something must have happened that he hasn't told him about.]
Did you get hurt?
[because as much as bucky may not want to fight anymore, the events of the past couple of weeks definitely would have tested that.]
[ Bucky takes a few steadying breaths and settles himself back against Steve's side. This really isn't how he'd wanted to deal with this whole topic. There's a part of him that wants to just keep it all hidden like so much of the pain he never shares with anyone, but this isn't quite the same. He can't hide this forever. ]
Not exactly. My shoulder's just been sore.
[ He turns his head, muffling his voice into Steve's shirt as he continues. ]
Since I lost... whatever the serum was doing for me.
[while knowing the extent of some of the other problems that people have suffered here, bucky's own loss hits him hard. sure, there will always be a part of him that hates the fact that he was experimented on in the first place. that hydra ever managed to sink their claws in to him in the first place. but in this city, with the near constant threats being held over them, knowing that bucky had that part of him to fall back on gave steve a small level of comfort. the effects the serum gave them both a safety net, and now...
carefully- more so than usual, now -steve pulls his arm free from bucky's shoulders, slipping it to his waist instead. he isn't ready to lose that contact completely, but if he can ease the pain in some way, he will.]
Those...creatures. That's what they asked for?
[not that he really needs an answer. the fact that bucky's not at his best is enough.]
Is there anything I can do?
[well, other than pick up the items on his newly forming mental shopping list. painkillers are right at the top.]
[ He lets out a slow sigh and relaxes even more against Steve's side, sagging his weight against the other man. He closes his eyes and lets the familiar smell of Steve Rogers take over. He can feel Steve and smell Steve and hear his breathing and he has to admit that all the guns and strength and the metal fucking arm never made him feel safe the way Steve does.
This is what safety feels like to Bucky now and it's not Steve's muscles, either. It's the promise of something stable and constant and familiar. Something he loves more than anything else in his life. ]
[he's worried. that much is obvious. and it's a feeling he doubts he's ever going to be fully rid of. but knowing that bucky's lost that extra protection that the serum gave him, his worry about the other man has increased exponentially. sure, bucky has always been a fighter. always knew how to protect himself and steve at the same time. but that was before he lost his arm, before a giant chunk of metal was fused to his body. so with the discomfort he already seems to be feeling right now, he knows it'll only get worse the longer this goes on.
and there's nothing either of them can do about it.
he lets out a slow sigh, eyes slipping shut as he nuzzles against the top of bucky's head, settling there for now. as much as he'd like to be able to head out and find an answer to all this right now, he isn't about to leave bucky's side any time soon. especially not when he's hurting. carefully moving his own arm, steve shifts enough that he's able to slip his forearm beneath bucky's left elbow, trying to ease some of the strain of having to hold it up alone. it may not be much, but he really doesn't know what else he can do right now.]
We'll find a way to fix this, Buck. Whatever it takes.
[ Bucky wants to argue that there are limits. It's not whatever it takes, because there's a lot of things Bucky couldn't live with. Pain isn't one of them.
They can talk about it later, though. Right now, he just wants to sit here with Steve. He's spent a lot of time on his own, weakened and lost and confused. Now, he has Steve and that's enough to bring him the comfort he needs. He's not alone anymore. He can admit, at least to himself, that that is a huge and important thing and there's no one he'd rather be with than Steve right now. ]
[he has questions, of course. ones he knows he should probably be asking- can he remove his arm? will painkillers work now? does he want to lie down for a while? -but instead, steve is content to stay exactly where he is, for however long bucky wants him there. he trusts the other man enough to know he'll say something if the pain starts to get any worse. to move if he needs to. later, there will be time for working out how to manage that pain. time to set a routine for medication and heat and he definitely needs to look in to modern medicine a little more. but for the time being, he isn't moving. that's an issue for the afternoon instead.]
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It's all running through his mind as he finishes washing his face when Steve calls to him and he towels off his skin and walks out to the living room. ]
Hey. What's all this?
[ He gestures towards the box before taking a seat next to Steve. ]
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"Something must be given in return."
[while he doesn't know if it was the exact same experience for bucky, he knows that both of them came out of the past week free of words and fingerprints. from all he's heard, he knows that others seem to have largely returned to the way they were before. that most seem to have paid for that luxury, in a multitude of ways. by comparison to certain others he knows, his payment was relatively light. but it isn't something the two of them have discussed yet, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't curious about just what bucky gave up to be cleaned of those words.]
Don't suppose you know anybody I could donate all this to. The world's a whole lot greyer now, so there's no point keeping this stuff around anymore.
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[ Because now Bucky can't help feeling like he's lost two things. Steve's art hasn't exactly been the most pressing aspect of Steve's life lately, sure, but it's still something Bucky's treasured. He's always loved the way Steve could draw. His own attempts at it haven't been awful, but he's got nothing on Steve, at least not in his own eyes. ]
I'm your number one fan, so give me the collector's items.
[ He nudges Steve, careful not to jostle his own left arm too much as he moves. Then he leans over a little more until he can press his lips to Steve's jaw, lips pressed against his beard. It's a reminder that Bucky isn't the only one who's changed. Bucky has to be okay with that, because this man is still Steve underneath everything. It's never been about what he looks like, even if the package is pretty nice these days. ]
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[though it may have to be shared custody, given that he refuses to give up drawing completely. it just means that he's stuck with regular pencils again. charcoal, if he's feeling particularly creative. as much as he may not be a professional, he knows he wouldn't be able to give up drawing completely. it's one of the few outlets he has that don't end in bloodied fists.
with bucky closing that distance between them, his own restraint fades away, and he drops an arm over bucky's shoulders, pulling him close. as much as he may miss what he gave up, he knows he got off easily compared to most. especially since he's still here, in one piece, and able to enjoy being this close to someone he cares so deeply for.]
M'still gonna be drawing you a lot more than you probably think.
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I like when you draw me.
[ Which is funny, because Bucky's job is to let people draw him, but Steve's still his favorite artist. He likes being the subject of that intense sort of attention from him.
He lets himself slump into Steve's side, head resting on the other man's shoulder. ]
I know you're gonna tell me that you're fine, but you know it's okay if you aren't, right?
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[though it's mostly a tease. he knows, first hand, just how patient bucky can be when he wants to. even before the war, the very fact that he'd never given up on steve had been a testament to that
with bucky slumped now, steve's concern immediately shifts towards him, his hold tightening instinctively. as much as he understands the offer, knows that bucky is right, he still absolutely hates the idea of worrying the other man. they have enough on their plates already to deal with.]
I know. But I'm okay. I'm not happy about it, sure. But it's nothing compared to what other people have had to give up. [he presses a kiss to the top of bucky's head before adding a quiet--] This is one time you really don't need to worry about me.
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[ Even if Steve really is fine, Bucky will still worry about him. He will always have that space in his mind that's occupied by the need to have Steve's back. The years he'd been on the run, he'd stalked Steve from afar and now that they're together again, he gets to worry up close.
He turns his head to kiss Steve's shoulder, but when he tries to settle back down again, a jolt of pain shoots up his left side and he can't help wincing visibly. He really has to get that poker face back. ]
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especially after a reaction like that.
all humor disappears instantly, replaced with concern as he loosens his hold just a little. it wouldn't be the first time that steve forgot his own strength. but with bucky, that had never been a problem before. something must have happened that he hasn't told him about.]
Did you get hurt?
[because as much as bucky may not want to fight anymore, the events of the past couple of weeks definitely would have tested that.]
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Not exactly. My shoulder's just been sore.
[ He turns his head, muffling his voice into Steve's shirt as he continues. ]
Since I lost... whatever the serum was doing for me.
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carefully- more so than usual, now -steve pulls his arm free from bucky's shoulders, slipping it to his waist instead. he isn't ready to lose that contact completely, but if he can ease the pain in some way, he will.]
Those...creatures. That's what they asked for?
[not that he really needs an answer. the fact that bucky's not at his best is enough.]
Is there anything I can do?
[well, other than pick up the items on his newly forming mental shopping list. painkillers are right at the top.]
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This is what safety feels like to Bucky now and it's not Steve's muscles, either. It's the promise of something stable and constant and familiar. Something he loves more than anything else in his life. ]
You're already doing it.
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and there's nothing either of them can do about it.
he lets out a slow sigh, eyes slipping shut as he nuzzles against the top of bucky's head, settling there for now. as much as he'd like to be able to head out and find an answer to all this right now, he isn't about to leave bucky's side any time soon. especially not when he's hurting. carefully moving his own arm, steve shifts enough that he's able to slip his forearm beneath bucky's left elbow, trying to ease some of the strain of having to hold it up alone. it may not be much, but he really doesn't know what else he can do right now.]
We'll find a way to fix this, Buck. Whatever it takes.
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They can talk about it later, though. Right now, he just wants to sit here with Steve. He's spent a lot of time on his own, weakened and lost and confused. Now, he has Steve and that's enough to bring him the comfort he needs. He's not alone anymore. He can admit, at least to himself, that that is a huge and important thing and there's no one he'd rather be with than Steve right now. ]
I know.
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