Not sure even my stare is strong enough to get though a skull that thick.
[it's a mumbled reply. something that, were he in a different place right now, would sound far more teasing than it does. but the humor wouldn't be there even if he'd tried. it's a little beyond his abilities right now, given that he's putting all he has in to being able to tug the covers back enough for him to slide underneath them. it's a task that takes a few moments too long. that seems more like a chore in the way he settles down than it should be.
he's silent, motionless, for a while after that, staring up at the ceiling as he almost balances at the very edge of the bed. but there's a very abrupt shift a moment later, a snort of laughter escaping him suddenly at the pure ridiculousness of it all. this is bucky, after all. his best friend. the one person he trusts most in both this world and their own. there's absolutely no reason he should be feeling this uncomfortable around the man who really has seen him at his absolute worst before. a man who has spent so much of his life, given up so much of his time, to keep him safe.
no matter what was going on, here or back home, past, present, or future--
he's always going to have bucky.]
...m'sorry. [another quiet murmur. but this time, steve bridges the gap between them, rolling on to his side so he can settle a few, short inches away from him instead. as much as he wants to curl up against bucky's side though, he leaves that distance there. that opportunity for the man to deny it. to keep that gap in place if he wants to. and if he does, well, he'd deserve it. he knows he messed up.]
[ For a moment, Bucky just lies there, watching Steve's odd struggle as he climbs in and practically tries to fall out. It's late and he knows they should talk, but he starts to lull back towards sleep lying there with Steve. He feels safe with him there. It's Steve's odd laugh that has him opening his eyes again to study Steve in the dark.
He's almost ready to say something himself when Steve finally talks again, even if it's quiet. Steve rolls over and Bucky can't help rolling over, too, and moving a little closer until his knees touch Steve's under the blanket. ]
What the hell do you think you're apologizing for?
[ His voice is soft in the dark, still sleep-laden and almost amused. There's a lot Steve could think he's apologizing for and Bucky's bracing himself for all of it. Some apologies will be easier to take than others, but Bucky doesn't think Steve has much of anything to apologize for.
He shifts again, leaning in until his forehead is touching Steve's, because he needs the contact right now. He needs to know that Steve is real and they're really here together. He needs the reminder that Steve won't go anywhere, because he knows he won't. Bucky's not going anywhere without Steve any time soon. ]
[which, given how stubborn they both know he can be, feels like a crime in itself. the fact that he'd run, that he'd hidden away rather than face the problem head on ad deal with it. sure, he may still have that issue when it comes to the other...encounters he had in the hotel. but at the end of the day, this is still bucky. still the man that he isn't sure he knows how to survive without. the idea that he tried to push him away, even for a few days, makes him feel nauseous. makes him question his own sanity, really.
why would he risk losing bucky over something like this?]
I should've just talked to you.
[relaxing in to the contact, steve manages to offer up a smile in response, a hand reaching up rest against bucky's hip. it's only a precursor though, when, moments later, steve shifts forwards completely so he can tuck his face against the crook of bucky's neck, one arm pinned between them while the other wraps tightly around him. now that he's right there next to bucky again, he doesn't plan on letting go any time soon.]
Probably, but I made you chase me for two years once, so I didn't mind giving you some time.
[ It's too easy to wrap his own arm around Steve's back once Steve tucks against him. He's bigger than he used to be, but Bucky's had a while to get used to it. More time than Steve's had to get used to Bucky's metal arm and muscles, anyway.
He rests his chin against Steve's hair and sighs. ]
Want to share what's going on in your head?
[ Bucky's generally pretty good at stewing in his own feelings and sharing none of them, but this is different. This isn't about pretending things are okay. It's about the fact that Steve's been avoiding him and if he needs to fix something, he'll do it. He's not losing Steve for anything. ]
[not that there was ever any doubt. knowing that bucky survived, that he's still alive and living in the twenty-first century, means that steve already knows what his future will hold. what he will be putting all his focus in to. it doesn't matter why the government sank so much time and money in to finding him, doesn't matter what favors fury tries to ask of him. at the end of the day, he'd push it all to the wayside if it means he'll be able to keep bucky in his life.
curled up as he is though, practically surrounded by the other man, it's a thought he doesn't dwell on. doesn't see a need to. when they find a way home, sure, then they can work out their next steps. but right now, he'd rather just focus on enjoying the contact he has. on making up for the days he went without.
something that would've definitely been a lot easier if bucky hadn't asked that specific question.
his hold tightens, and for a moment it's almost feels like it's the 30's all over again. like he's a kid, clinging to that one consistent pillar of strength he has in his life. the one thing keeping his head above water as the world does all it can to drag him down. he doesn't say anything just yet. can't bring himself to do anything more than simply breathe, as shaky as they come. there's only so long he can delay it though. only so long before he knows bucky will either push for answers, or back off completely. and right now, he doesn't know which would be worse.]
It's...this place. You and Caitlin. Tony and Pepper. The other you. [he pauses for a moment, swallowing thickly before he's able to add to that list. before he can put voice to what it all ultimately boils down to.]
You know how I feel about Peggy. I know I lost my shot with her the moment I put that plane in the ocean. Seventy years and... She would've moved on. I know that, and I really hope she did. As long as she was happy, I have to accept that. But every time I...do something here, every time I think I can be happy with what I have, it feels like I'm--
Buck, it feels like I'm defiling her memory, and I don't know how I'm supposed to move past that. [though really--] I don't think I want to.
[ It feels so strange, knowing so much of Steve's future when Steve's still so new to anything past the war. He knows it has to be hard for him, even if Steve tries to soldier through as much as he can. Bucky doesn't want to lay too much on him at once and his urge is always to protect Steve. He can't remember a time that wasn't true, at least not one where he was himself.
On top of that, he lived months on another planet where he'd shared a home with Steve and Peggy. He'd watched them get married and he knows exactly what Peggy means to Steve and what Steve means to her, too. He'd come to think of Peggy as family just as much as he regards Steve that way. He'd do an awful lot to protect the two of them. ]
Peggy wouldn't want you to beat yourself up for living your life, Steve. You've got to learn to live with the fact that you still care about her without punishing yourself for it.
[ Given the long list of things Bucky regularly punishes himself for, he knows it's hypocritical, but Steve isn't as broken as he is--at least Bucky doesn't think he is--and he has a chance at being happy. Bucky would kill to protect that. ]
You can have your feelings and still have other feelings. You're not hurting her. I think she'd be more hurt knowing you were agonizing over it, because she wouldn't have wanted you to feel like that.
[ Because Peggy had been a good woman. Strong and unafraid and incredibly caring underneath that. She'd tried to help Bucky, of all people, to be happy and in the end, Bucky had told her more about what had been going on in his head than he'd ever been able to tell Steve. ]
I know I said I didn't want to give away too much of the future, but you don't have to worry about her wasting away pining after you, okay? She lived a good life after the war. I know she missed you, but she still lived her life. You gotta do the same thing, buddy. Maybe that's going to involve some heavy moping for a while. That's okay, too.
[ He tightens his hold on Steve, because he'll weather through all the moping Steve's got, but he's not going to let Steve do it alone. ]
Just gotta remember, I'm not goin' anywhere and you're not allowed to, either. You're stuck with me like gum on your shoe.
[as much as the news hurts to hear, it's also a relief to know that peggy had still gone on to live her life. had built a future for herself without him. no matter how deep his feelings for her are, he really does mean it when he says that all he wanted was for her to be happy. he just would have preferred it if he could've been the one to help do that.
his hold on bucky loosens a little, body sinking in to the grip the other man has on him. on the reminder that, no matter what happens in this city, he still has bucky right there with him. still has that one beacon of hope, that one proof that back home, there is still a future for him. a purpose. he may not be able to build a life with peggy the way he dreamed of, but at the end of it all, he and bucky will still find their own ways back to each other. that's enough.
or at least it will be, eventually.]
She moved on.
[the words are barely a whisper, muffled as they are against bucky's chest. but with the silence of the apartment, they still carry enough. are still tinged with a bitterness he can't rid himself of. not at peggy, of course. at himself for not being good enough to find a way back to her. for not being there to build a future together with her.]
I am happy for her. I mean it. [as damp as his face may be right now, it's true. he wasn't there for it, but in the end, her happiness is what matters most.]
It's just... She was my future. And now I've missed everything, and I have no idea how I'm meant to just move on without her.
[because steve knows he can't hold a light to just how much tougher peggy is than him. how, even in the darkest of times, it was peggy who kept him going. peggy who talked him out of that bar and back on to the battlefield when he felt like his soul had been torn on two the moment that bucky fell.]
Buck, I can't do this. You're all I have left, and I don't want this city to destroy that. But I can't be what LIEs wants me to be. I don't know how.
[ He'd had plans. Ideas about him and Steve settling down with women after the war, maybe living in the same building as each other back in Brooklyn. They'd both have kids who could play together and they'd always be down the hall from one another. Bucky will never have those things now. He'd told Peggy as much. He's not even sure what he can offer anyone anymore.
Hell, when he'd met Thomas, he hadn't even been sure that he could really be intimate with someone again. He's pretty broken and he still struggles to let anyone in all the way. He doesn't even really let Steve see everything that's going on in his head. ]
But you still have a whole life ahead of you and you're the strongest, best person I know.
[ He shifts so he can kiss Steve's hair. This is something, at least. He can be affectionate with Steve. He hasn't lost that. He won't lose Steve again. He refuses to even see it as an option. ]
Death couldn't tear us apart. HYDRA couldn't tear us apart, either. You really think this place has a shot? I've never asked you to be anything other than some little punk from Brooklyn, right? That's all I need you to be. We figure out the rest together.
[even with everything that bucky says, with the assurances and encouragement, it's the first part that hits the hardest. that reminder that he isn't the only one going through all this. it's something that's easy to forget when he sees how well bucky is carving out a life for himself. how smoothly he can interact with the modern world. but it's a reminder that, once again, bucky is putting aside his own problems in order to try and help him. The same way he always has, and steve knows that, no matter what happens, that isn't going to change.
pulling away from the hold a little, steve swipes at his face, taking a deep breath as he tries to pull himself together a little better. sure, he knows he has nothing to hide. not when it comes to bucky. but he has something more important to focus on now. has his own returned need to make sure that the other man is okay.
the smile he gives is watery at best, even in the darkness of the room. but he doesn't see any reason to hide it. not after all he's just shared with bucky.]
You're kind of biased, you know.
[calling him the best person he knows. but it's a sentiment that's shared wholeheartedly. no matter how strongly he feels about peggy, having bucky here with him means he can still see a light at the end of it all. still has a future that he will fight for. as long as he has bucky, he isn't giving up.
he just can't promise he won't stumble a few times along the way.]
I'm not going anywhere. You and me-- We'll survive this place together, right?
[and as long as they have each other, well, he'll work out how to deal with the rest of the mess he's avoiding. later though. when he isn't curled up in bed with the one person he knows he won't be able to survive losing again.]
[ Bucky's sure of that, knows it like it's written into his DNA. There's a lot in the world he's unsure of, but Steve is never question. Even when Bucky had run, it hadn't been because he hadn't trusted Steve. It had been more out of a distrust for the people around him and the fear of what could happen to Steve's life if he found Bucky.
He hadn't been wrong about that, either. ]
We'll get through it together.
[ Maybe Steve needs the reassurance and maybe Bucky will need the same later.
He lets out a heavy breath and combs over the conversation. He's pretty tired. Maybe he missed some things, but it's important to keep track of everything. It's an old habit, left over from his HYDRA training, but it's one that still serves him well. ]
[he's fully prepared to leave the conversation at just that. to settle in for the night and try to get some sleep, curled up next to bucky. short of the other man throwing him out, there's no way he's going to be heading back to his room now, so it's easy for him to settle against the pillow. for him to let his eyes slide shut, his hold on bucky slipping a little as he finally starts to relax.
when the question comes though, steve cracks his eyes back open again, a grimace crossing his face briefly before it's pushed aside. sure, he knows that he really doesn't have anything to hide from bucky, that the worst that'll happen is a little teasing at his expense. but that doesn't mean he's particularly happy to bring it all back up again. to recall the reasons why he'd ever gone to the other bucky in the first place.]
...before the hotel arrived, or after?
[because everything that happened while the hotel was here, he knows he at least had an excuse for his actions. they all had. none of them had been entirely in their right minds. had really had any option but to do as they were told. everything that happened before the hotel appeared though is a whole different story.]
When you told me about Thomas, I said I was okay with it. And I am, that hasn't changed. But it came as a surprise, and I wasn't really sure how to deal with it.
[which is an understatement, given the distance he'd put between the two of them, however brief it may have been.]
When I went out for that run, I contacted him and asked if we could meet. [as for why he looks uncomfortable talking about all this though--] I ended up kissing him. And then I avoided him until we got trapped in an elevator together at the hotel. [almost a week later.]
[ There's a pang of something in Bucky's chest that he can't quite identify, because he knows what that means. He'd been trapped in the elevator, too, but he also knows what Steve's lips feel like against his own now. He'd never thought about kissing Steve before. Now, he's not sure he'll really be able to say that again. ]
I'm not unpacking any of that, but I fooled around with him, too.
[ And if being friends with yourself is weird, having mutual orgasms with him is a new level, right? But here they are and Bucky's not really sorry about it, either. Sure, they have a lot in common. Maybe too much, but they're friends. Why would they feel bad about fooling around?
He's quiet for a moment, not sure if he should let the whole thing go. Really, he's not sure if he can and while he's often content to sit and stew in his own mind, he knows he'll never get an answer if he doesn't ask: ]
Why go for a guy who looks like me?
[ Okay, maybe he's unpacking some of it, because Steve hadn't come to him, but he hadn't gone to someone entirely different, either. ]
[the revelation is met with surprise, at first. at the idea of bucky actually wanting to fool around with his doppelganger in the first place. but, he supposes, it also makes sense in a way. that out of all the people in this city, he'd end with the one person who likely knows his likes and dislikes the best. it may not negate the strangeness of it all, but who is he to judge? after all, he did seek out the other bucky because of those very similarities.
he knows it's only a matter of time though. knows that bucky's curiosity will likely get the better of him. so rather than respond, he waits it out. and his patience is rewarded when the question comes. though it's not necessarily one he has an answer to.]
Because you were the one person I needed to talk to that night, but I don't think I was ready to face you right away.
[which is a feeling he still isn't happy about. that he was actually worried that he'd be able to ruin things between them by acting like a jerk. the two of them have been through far too much together for a single conversation to have damaged it all permanently. he knows that now. but at the time, it'd been a risk he wasn't willing to take.]
[ It hadn't really escaped Bucky's notice, either, that nothing had happened between him and Steve until he'd looked like the old Bucky, but he's not sure he's even prepared for an answer on that. It's an old wound at this point: the fear of disappointing Steve is almost as bad as the fear of hurting him. Bucky's not sure he can take the answer, so he doesn't ask. ]
I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to anyone else, but you can always talk to me. Even if I'm busy or you think it's going to hurt me, you can talk to me. No one else is more important than you.
[ He shifts again until he can kiss Steve's cheek. It's the sort of affection he'd left behind in childhood, but it seems fitting now with Steve here in his bed. He can't think of anyone else he'd rather be next to, whether it's sex-related or not.
He yawns as he settles back in with Steve in his arms. ]
I always miss you when you're not around to give me a headache.
[it feels almost natural to him, to reach up to bucky's face, his touch gentle as he brushes his hair back and smiles. there's an undeniable level of comfort that comes from being able to touch the other man freely. to actually have him back again after all the time they've spent apart.]
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen.
[which would be a whole lot easier to do if he could combat his natural reaction to the issues that've come up in this city. namely--]
Hey, Buck? I need you to promise me something. [his expression turns serious, despite knowing that both of them should really be going to sleep right now. but it's something he has to say. an agreement he needs before he can finally settle in for the night the way he wants to.]
If I try to run again, I need you to come knock some sense in to me. You're the last person I should be hiding from.
[ Bucky opens his eyes again when he feels Steve touching his hair and really looks at Steve. ]
Yeah I am and the only way you're gonna hurt me is if you keep running.
[ Which is easily the most hypocritical thing that's ever come out of Bucky's mouth, but he never said he was a good fucking person. He ran even after he remembered Steve and sure, part of why he did it was to protect Steve. Of course, the other part was his own fears getting the better of him. ]
You've got to promise to come find me, too, okay? If I'm being an idiot, you come drag me home.
[ Because home is where Steve is. He doesn't care about Brooklyn or Bucharest or El Nysa. He cares about Steve Rogers.
He leans in the rest of the way, presses his lips to Steve's in what has to be most chaste kiss a grown man can give someone--just a quick, dry press of lips--and then settles back on the pillow. ]
[it's an agreement, on both parts. however difficult the situation may be, however uncomfortable things may get, he's not going anywhere. not with the knowledge that he hurts bucky that way being laid out so plainly between them. he'll happily face his own discomfort if it means protecting bucky from that.
We'll put it in that stupid contract if we have to. But you and me? We're gonna beat this place together.
[because it's a shared sentiment. home really is wherever bucky is. and right now, it's these four walls. it's being cocooned up against the other man, covers wrapped around them, hiding them away from the outside world. it's that press of lips, and that all too familiar warmth against his front. having bucky back, steve feels like himself again. feels whole in a way that he'd thought he'd lost the moment that bucky had fallen.
he really has no idea how he survived that week without bucky there by his side.]
[ Bucky just hums in agreement and finds a few gentle points of contact as he he closes his eyes. He's not sure there's anyone else he could trust to have a contract with and though he's normally more comfortable being the one caring for others, he honestly trusts Steve to take care of him sometimes, too.
It's a vulnerability he tries to hide, but he thinks he doesn't always do the best job of it. At least with Steve, he knows no one is taking advantage of the haunted look he can't quite keep out of his eyes. Whatever happens out there, he wants to come home to this for as long as he's allowed.
He starts to drift off thinking about how nice it is to have Steve here with him and how lucky he is to find him again and again. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[it's a mumbled reply. something that, were he in a different place right now, would sound far more teasing than it does. but the humor wouldn't be there even if he'd tried. it's a little beyond his abilities right now, given that he's putting all he has in to being able to tug the covers back enough for him to slide underneath them. it's a task that takes a few moments too long. that seems more like a chore in the way he settles down than it should be.
he's silent, motionless, for a while after that, staring up at the ceiling as he almost balances at the very edge of the bed. but there's a very abrupt shift a moment later, a snort of laughter escaping him suddenly at the pure ridiculousness of it all. this is bucky, after all. his best friend. the one person he trusts most in both this world and their own. there's absolutely no reason he should be feeling this uncomfortable around the man who really has seen him at his absolute worst before. a man who has spent so much of his life, given up so much of his time, to keep him safe.
no matter what was going on, here or back home, past, present, or future--
he's always going to have bucky.]
...m'sorry. [another quiet murmur. but this time, steve bridges the gap between them, rolling on to his side so he can settle a few, short inches away from him instead. as much as he wants to curl up against bucky's side though, he leaves that distance there. that opportunity for the man to deny it. to keep that gap in place if he wants to. and if he does, well, he'd deserve it. he knows he messed up.]
no subject
He's almost ready to say something himself when Steve finally talks again, even if it's quiet. Steve rolls over and Bucky can't help rolling over, too, and moving a little closer until his knees touch Steve's under the blanket. ]
What the hell do you think you're apologizing for?
[ His voice is soft in the dark, still sleep-laden and almost amused. There's a lot Steve could think he's apologizing for and Bucky's bracing himself for all of it. Some apologies will be easier to take than others, but Bucky doesn't think Steve has much of anything to apologize for.
He shifts again, leaning in until his forehead is touching Steve's, because he needs the contact right now. He needs to know that Steve is real and they're really here together. He needs the reminder that Steve won't go anywhere, because he knows he won't. Bucky's not going anywhere without Steve any time soon. ]
no subject
[which, given how stubborn they both know he can be, feels like a crime in itself. the fact that he'd run, that he'd hidden away rather than face the problem head on ad deal with it. sure, he may still have that issue when it comes to the other...encounters he had in the hotel. but at the end of the day, this is still bucky. still the man that he isn't sure he knows how to survive without. the idea that he tried to push him away, even for a few days, makes him feel nauseous. makes him question his own sanity, really.
why would he risk losing bucky over something like this?]
I should've just talked to you.
[relaxing in to the contact, steve manages to offer up a smile in response, a hand reaching up rest against bucky's hip. it's only a precursor though, when, moments later, steve shifts forwards completely so he can tuck his face against the crook of bucky's neck, one arm pinned between them while the other wraps tightly around him. now that he's right there next to bucky again, he doesn't plan on letting go any time soon.]
no subject
[ It's too easy to wrap his own arm around Steve's back once Steve tucks against him. He's bigger than he used to be, but Bucky's had a while to get used to it. More time than Steve's had to get used to Bucky's metal arm and muscles, anyway.
He rests his chin against Steve's hair and sighs. ]
Want to share what's going on in your head?
[ Bucky's generally pretty good at stewing in his own feelings and sharing none of them, but this is different. This isn't about pretending things are okay. It's about the fact that Steve's been avoiding him and if he needs to fix something, he'll do it. He's not losing Steve for anything. ]
no subject
[not that there was ever any doubt. knowing that bucky survived, that he's still alive and living in the twenty-first century, means that steve already knows what his future will hold. what he will be putting all his focus in to. it doesn't matter why the government sank so much time and money in to finding him, doesn't matter what favors fury tries to ask of him. at the end of the day, he'd push it all to the wayside if it means he'll be able to keep bucky in his life.
curled up as he is though, practically surrounded by the other man, it's a thought he doesn't dwell on. doesn't see a need to. when they find a way home, sure, then they can work out their next steps. but right now, he'd rather just focus on enjoying the contact he has. on making up for the days he went without.
something that would've definitely been a lot easier if bucky hadn't asked that specific question.
his hold tightens, and for a moment it's almost feels like it's the 30's all over again. like he's a kid, clinging to that one consistent pillar of strength he has in his life. the one thing keeping his head above water as the world does all it can to drag him down. he doesn't say anything just yet. can't bring himself to do anything more than simply breathe, as shaky as they come. there's only so long he can delay it though. only so long before he knows bucky will either push for answers, or back off completely. and right now, he doesn't know which would be worse.]
It's...this place. You and Caitlin. Tony and Pepper. The other you. [he pauses for a moment, swallowing thickly before he's able to add to that list. before he can put voice to what it all ultimately boils down to.]
You know how I feel about Peggy. I know I lost my shot with her the moment I put that plane in the ocean. Seventy years and... She would've moved on. I know that, and I really hope she did. As long as she was happy, I have to accept that. But every time I...do something here, every time I think I can be happy with what I have, it feels like I'm--
Buck, it feels like I'm defiling her memory, and I don't know how I'm supposed to move past that. [though really--] I don't think I want to.
no subject
On top of that, he lived months on another planet where he'd shared a home with Steve and Peggy. He'd watched them get married and he knows exactly what Peggy means to Steve and what Steve means to her, too. He'd come to think of Peggy as family just as much as he regards Steve that way. He'd do an awful lot to protect the two of them. ]
Peggy wouldn't want you to beat yourself up for living your life, Steve. You've got to learn to live with the fact that you still care about her without punishing yourself for it.
[ Given the long list of things Bucky regularly punishes himself for, he knows it's hypocritical, but Steve isn't as broken as he is--at least Bucky doesn't think he is--and he has a chance at being happy. Bucky would kill to protect that. ]
You can have your feelings and still have other feelings. You're not hurting her. I think she'd be more hurt knowing you were agonizing over it, because she wouldn't have wanted you to feel like that.
[ Because Peggy had been a good woman. Strong and unafraid and incredibly caring underneath that. She'd tried to help Bucky, of all people, to be happy and in the end, Bucky had told her more about what had been going on in his head than he'd ever been able to tell Steve. ]
I know I said I didn't want to give away too much of the future, but you don't have to worry about her wasting away pining after you, okay? She lived a good life after the war. I know she missed you, but she still lived her life. You gotta do the same thing, buddy. Maybe that's going to involve some heavy moping for a while. That's okay, too.
[ He tightens his hold on Steve, because he'll weather through all the moping Steve's got, but he's not going to let Steve do it alone. ]
Just gotta remember, I'm not goin' anywhere and you're not allowed to, either. You're stuck with me like gum on your shoe.
no subject
his hold on bucky loosens a little, body sinking in to the grip the other man has on him. on the reminder that, no matter what happens in this city, he still has bucky right there with him. still has that one beacon of hope, that one proof that back home, there is still a future for him. a purpose. he may not be able to build a life with peggy the way he dreamed of, but at the end of it all, he and bucky will still find their own ways back to each other. that's enough.
or at least it will be, eventually.]
She moved on.
[the words are barely a whisper, muffled as they are against bucky's chest. but with the silence of the apartment, they still carry enough. are still tinged with a bitterness he can't rid himself of. not at peggy, of course. at himself for not being good enough to find a way back to her. for not being there to build a future together with her.]
I am happy for her. I mean it. [as damp as his face may be right now, it's true. he wasn't there for it, but in the end, her happiness is what matters most.]
It's just... She was my future. And now I've missed everything, and I have no idea how I'm meant to just move on without her.
[because steve knows he can't hold a light to just how much tougher peggy is than him. how, even in the darkest of times, it was peggy who kept him going. peggy who talked him out of that bar and back on to the battlefield when he felt like his soul had been torn on two the moment that bucky fell.]
Buck, I can't do this. You're all I have left, and I don't want this city to destroy that. But I can't be what LIEs wants me to be. I don't know how.
no subject
[ He'd had plans. Ideas about him and Steve settling down with women after the war, maybe living in the same building as each other back in Brooklyn. They'd both have kids who could play together and they'd always be down the hall from one another. Bucky will never have those things now. He'd told Peggy as much. He's not even sure what he can offer anyone anymore.
Hell, when he'd met Thomas, he hadn't even been sure that he could really be intimate with someone again. He's pretty broken and he still struggles to let anyone in all the way. He doesn't even really let Steve see everything that's going on in his head. ]
But you still have a whole life ahead of you and you're the strongest, best person I know.
[ He shifts so he can kiss Steve's hair. This is something, at least. He can be affectionate with Steve. He hasn't lost that. He won't lose Steve again. He refuses to even see it as an option. ]
Death couldn't tear us apart. HYDRA couldn't tear us apart, either. You really think this place has a shot? I've never asked you to be anything other than some little punk from Brooklyn, right? That's all I need you to be. We figure out the rest together.
no subject
pulling away from the hold a little, steve swipes at his face, taking a deep breath as he tries to pull himself together a little better. sure, he knows he has nothing to hide. not when it comes to bucky. but he has something more important to focus on now. has his own returned need to make sure that the other man is okay.
the smile he gives is watery at best, even in the darkness of the room. but he doesn't see any reason to hide it. not after all he's just shared with bucky.]
You're kind of biased, you know.
[calling him the best person he knows. but it's a sentiment that's shared wholeheartedly. no matter how strongly he feels about peggy, having bucky here with him means he can still see a light at the end of it all. still has a future that he will fight for. as long as he has bucky, he isn't giving up.
he just can't promise he won't stumble a few times along the way.]
I'm not going anywhere. You and me-- We'll survive this place together, right?
[and as long as they have each other, well, he'll work out how to deal with the rest of the mess he's avoiding. later though. when he isn't curled up in bed with the one person he knows he won't be able to survive losing again.]
no subject
[ Bucky's sure of that, knows it like it's written into his DNA. There's a lot in the world he's unsure of, but Steve is never question. Even when Bucky had run, it hadn't been because he hadn't trusted Steve. It had been more out of a distrust for the people around him and the fear of what could happen to Steve's life if he found Bucky.
He hadn't been wrong about that, either. ]
We'll get through it together.
[ Maybe Steve needs the reassurance and maybe Bucky will need the same later.
He lets out a heavy breath and combs over the conversation. He's pretty tired. Maybe he missed some things, but it's important to keep track of everything. It's an old habit, left over from his HYDRA training, but it's one that still serves him well. ]
Wait, what did you do with the other me?
no subject
when the question comes though, steve cracks his eyes back open again, a grimace crossing his face briefly before it's pushed aside. sure, he knows that he really doesn't have anything to hide from bucky, that the worst that'll happen is a little teasing at his expense. but that doesn't mean he's particularly happy to bring it all back up again. to recall the reasons why he'd ever gone to the other bucky in the first place.]
...before the hotel arrived, or after?
[because everything that happened while the hotel was here, he knows he at least had an excuse for his actions. they all had. none of them had been entirely in their right minds. had really had any option but to do as they were told. everything that happened before the hotel appeared though is a whole different story.]
When you told me about Thomas, I said I was okay with it. And I am, that hasn't changed. But it came as a surprise, and I wasn't really sure how to deal with it.
[which is an understatement, given the distance he'd put between the two of them, however brief it may have been.]
When I went out for that run, I contacted him and asked if we could meet. [as for why he looks uncomfortable talking about all this though--] I ended up kissing him. And then I avoided him until we got trapped in an elevator together at the hotel. [almost a week later.]
no subject
I'm not unpacking any of that, but I fooled around with him, too.
[ And if being friends with yourself is weird, having mutual orgasms with him is a new level, right? But here they are and Bucky's not really sorry about it, either. Sure, they have a lot in common. Maybe too much, but they're friends. Why would they feel bad about fooling around?
He's quiet for a moment, not sure if he should let the whole thing go. Really, he's not sure if he can and while he's often content to sit and stew in his own mind, he knows he'll never get an answer if he doesn't ask: ]
Why go for a guy who looks like me?
[ Okay, maybe he's unpacking some of it, because Steve hadn't come to him, but he hadn't gone to someone entirely different, either. ]
no subject
he knows it's only a matter of time though. knows that bucky's curiosity will likely get the better of him. so rather than respond, he waits it out. and his patience is rewarded when the question comes. though it's not necessarily one he has an answer to.]
Because you were the one person I needed to talk to that night, but I don't think I was ready to face you right away.
[which is a feeling he still isn't happy about. that he was actually worried that he'd be able to ruin things between them by acting like a jerk. the two of them have been through far too much together for a single conversation to have damaged it all permanently. he knows that now. but at the time, it'd been a risk he wasn't willing to take.]
The rest of it just sort of...happened.
no subject
I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to anyone else, but you can always talk to me. Even if I'm busy or you think it's going to hurt me, you can talk to me. No one else is more important than you.
[ He shifts again until he can kiss Steve's cheek. It's the sort of affection he'd left behind in childhood, but it seems fitting now with Steve here in his bed. He can't think of anyone else he'd rather be next to, whether it's sex-related or not.
He yawns as he settles back in with Steve in his arms. ]
I always miss you when you're not around to give me a headache.
no subject
[it feels almost natural to him, to reach up to bucky's face, his touch gentle as he brushes his hair back and smiles. there's an undeniable level of comfort that comes from being able to touch the other man freely. to actually have him back again after all the time they've spent apart.]
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make sure that doesn't happen.
[which would be a whole lot easier to do if he could combat his natural reaction to the issues that've come up in this city. namely--]
Hey, Buck? I need you to promise me something. [his expression turns serious, despite knowing that both of them should really be going to sleep right now. but it's something he has to say. an agreement he needs before he can finally settle in for the night the way he wants to.]
If I try to run again, I need you to come knock some sense in to me. You're the last person I should be hiding from.
no subject
Yeah I am and the only way you're gonna hurt me is if you keep running.
[ Which is easily the most hypocritical thing that's ever come out of Bucky's mouth, but he never said he was a good fucking person. He ran even after he remembered Steve and sure, part of why he did it was to protect Steve. Of course, the other part was his own fears getting the better of him. ]
You've got to promise to come find me, too, okay? If I'm being an idiot, you come drag me home.
[ Because home is where Steve is. He doesn't care about Brooklyn or Bucharest or El Nysa. He cares about Steve Rogers.
He leans in the rest of the way, presses his lips to Steve's in what has to be most chaste kiss a grown man can give someone--just a quick, dry press of lips--and then settles back on the pillow. ]
no subject
[it's an agreement, on both parts. however difficult the situation may be, however uncomfortable things may get, he's not going anywhere. not with the knowledge that he hurts bucky that way being laid out so plainly between them. he'll happily face his own discomfort if it means protecting bucky from that.
We'll put it in that stupid contract if we have to. But you and me? We're gonna beat this place together.
[because it's a shared sentiment. home really is wherever bucky is. and right now, it's these four walls. it's being cocooned up against the other man, covers wrapped around them, hiding them away from the outside world. it's that press of lips, and that all too familiar warmth against his front. having bucky back, steve feels like himself again. feels whole in a way that he'd thought he'd lost the moment that bucky had fallen.
he really has no idea how he survived that week without bucky there by his side.]
You and me, Buck. No matter what.
no subject
It's a vulnerability he tries to hide, but he thinks he doesn't always do the best job of it. At least with Steve, he knows no one is taking advantage of the haunted look he can't quite keep out of his eyes. Whatever happens out there, he wants to come home to this for as long as he's allowed.
He starts to drift off thinking about how nice it is to have Steve here with him and how lucky he is to find him again and again. ]